


Isn't It Pretty To Think So?

by AsPerJC



Category: Rookie Blue
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-20
Updated: 2020-12-10
Packaged: 2021-03-05 06:22:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 29,967
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25409857
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AsPerJC/pseuds/AsPerJC
Summary: Moving on isn't always what it's cracked up to be, but it's necessary.  Is Gail able to move on or is she doomed to always wait for the one who got away?
Relationships: Gail Peck/Holly Stewart, Gail Peck/Original Female Character(s)
Kudos: 137





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> First time writing, so don't throw too many stones. Feedback is welcome. I obviously don't own any of this or get paid.

Chapter One:

Gail sat at the bar nursing her fifth scotch of the hour. As she looked around the bar, she felt nauseated by the endless evidence of love. Dov and Chloe were wrapped around one another, whispering and giggling. Andy was sitting in Sam’s lap, quietly talking to Oliver and Celery. Everyone around her seemed happy and totally oblivious to her inner turmoil. She rolled her eyes at her own melancholy and downed her drink, determined to put her cold exterior back into place.

It had been over 6 months since Holly had left for San Francisco and Gail was still hurting. She had requested a “cooling off” period with the Doctor to allow her time to get over it. The silence was slowly killing her, but she was figuring out how to function in her new normal. New normal meant quiet, withdrawn and focused only on her career. Despite not being approved to adopt Sophie, she wanted to make her pain mean something. Some Buddhist practice she’d read about in a book at Holly’s place. So, she was making use of her suffering. Drinking could help with that journey, right?

She rapidly became bored with her own line of thinking and decided to close her tab and return to her brand-new apartment to sulk in private. As she was standing up, however, she felt someone sit down next to her. Already rolling her eyes, she turned to her new companion and the words lodged in her throat and her eyes widened. This was a beautiful woman. The woman smiled brightly, and even though it wasn’t crooked and charming like Holly, it was still captivating and warm. She had bright green eyes and jet-black hair. She was wearing jeans that looked to have been made specifically for her and a heather grey v neck. Eyes dancing, she started to speak.

“This may sound like a total line, but you look like you could use some company.” Her voice comes out rough, almost like gravel.

“I’ve had Mr. Macallan for company this evening, but thanks.” Gail indicates her now empty glass, signaling for the bartender. Gail felt a slight pressure on her arm and looked down at the hand.

“Okay, maybe I need the company tonight and you’re by far the most appealing person in here. Everyone else seems to be practicing for Valentine’s Day and I have no interest in interrupting that.” She’s still smiling at Gail in a confident way, hoping to put her at ease.

Gail considers the woman intensely and then slowly nods and sits down.

“I’m Kate. May I buy you a drink?”

As Gail sat back down, she took a moment to study the woman beside her. Though new to the whole “dating women” scene, she knew what was happening. Seems some things cross lines in the dating world. Buying a drink is still code for, “I’m trying to hook up with you”. Gail’s heart throbbed in her chest in revolt as she brazenly smiled back. It was her Cocky Peck smile and it appeared it was no less effective than it had ever been as she found an answering smile in the other woman’s eyes.

“I’m Gail. So, aside from drinking and bad pickup lines, what brings you to our illustrious little bar?”

Kate smiled again. “Well, I could say beautiful women, but that’d be another line…even if it’s entirely true. So, I’ll try the 2nd truth – I start work tomorrow at the 15th Precinct and I was told this is where my new coworkers would be if I wanted to try to get to know any of them.” Kate ordered 2 more scotches from the bartender.

Gail laughed at the first part and then cocked her head curiously at the 2nd admission. “Well, you did come to the right place. I’m Officer Peck… for 2 more days. Then I’ll officially be Detective Peck. I guess I can be your welcoming committee.”

Gail reached out her hand as if introduce herself formally and Kate took her hand, holding it for a second longer than was necessary.

“The pleasure is all mine, Detective Peck.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Gail woke up early the next morning with a small smile on her face. It wasn’t a big smile and she wasn’t exactly happy, but it was a step in the right direction. She rolled out of bed, hair sticking straight up and went to take a shower. While she was in the shower, her thoughts drifted to the night before and the intriguing woman she met at the Penny. It’d been months since she felt anything other than numb or sad. She’d shared drinks and laughs with Kate the night before and then exchanged numbers. A polite, if not long hug ended the evening and the 2 went their separate ways. However, it was a connection and she wasn’t willing to think too much about it. She just wanted to go with it and hope it helped pull her out of her funk.

As she left her house, she was looking forward to work for once. She unlocked her new car, which she really did love and buckled in to make the short drive to 15. As she arrived, she ran into Chris in the hallway.

“Hey Gail! We missed you last night, but it looked you found someone to pass the time with.” His boyish grin didn't even register and she just smiled coldly.

“Anything would have been an improvement, but yes. I definitely found a way to pass the time.” She breezed past him quickly and went into the locker room to change. When she walked into the locker room, she saw Chloe and Andy getting dressed and Kate engaging with them from the bench. When she looked up and saw Gail enter, she gave her a bright smile.

“Well, you didn’t lie to me! You ARE an officer here.” She was playfully wiggling her brows at Gail and finishing lacing up her boots.

“And you aren’t a badge bunny! The surprises continue!” Gail sassed back as she opened her locker. She didn’t feel the eyes on her back from her two friends.

“You two have already met?” Andy asked, looking back and forth between the two women.

Kate stood up grinning, motioning to Gail. “We met last night. You all looked too busy to notice. My lucky night, I guess.” She smiled at the two women.

“This is so great! Let’s plan our first girls’ night!” Chloe chirped breezily. She already liked Kate and if Gail liked her, she couldn’t pass up this chance to get all the girls together.

Everyone could hear the deep sigh…maybe a groan from Gail. She simply shook her head and stripped off her shirt to change into her uniform.

“No, Princess. I don’t communicate in that way.” Gail sniped, looking up to catch Kate eyeballing her bare midriff. Gail grinned at her, but Kate didn’t seem to be embarrassed about being caught. She smiled softly and turned back to the other two women who were curiously watching.

“Let’s save the Girl’s Night until I can for sure make this job work. The last precinct I was in, you didn’t have friends, you had competition. Is it any different here?” Kate inquired easily.

“It’s … different, I guess. We are all friends here, even if we compete.” Andy says softly, looking at Gail a bit sheepishly.

“Come off it, McNally, I’m not mad about Nick anymore.” Gail laughed and finished getting dressed, coming to stand beside Kate, who was roughly her height. “Kate, we are all friends here – even when we want to strangle each other. Especially Chloe.” Gail laughed as she began walking out toward parade. Kate grinned and quickly followed her. She gamely sat next to Gail and turned to her.

“You’re quite prickly. I think I’m really going to enjoy working here.” She winked at Gail and turned toward the front of the room. Gail smiled to herself and paid attention up front, not seeing her friends watch curiously as she easily engaged with the new offider.

“Good morning. Assignments are posted, but before we all break up, please give a warm welcome to our new patrol officer, Kate Wells. She comes to us from NYPD highly recommended. Please make her feel at home. Be safe out there!” Oliver smiled warmly at the newcomer and watched fondly as Gail seemed to be relaxed with her.

“Peckling, you’ll be paired with Wells until you officially move over to the Detective Rotation.” Oliver walks up to the two women. Gail smiled at Oliver, one of the only times she really smiled.

“I’ll take good care of her, Ollie. Anything specific?” She stood up, adjusting her duty belt and glancing over at Kate.

“Well, clearly you need to take her for shawarma! Other than that, just show her the ropes and how to get around Toronto without getting stuck.” He smiled again, “She’s a bit rough around the edge, but she’s one of the best cops I know.” He glanced over to Kate, indicating Gail.

Kate smiled at him and nodded, “She’s already been VERY helpful and kind. I’m excited to get to work with her.”

Oliver watched as Gail smirked slightly and hitched her head to indicate they should go. “I’ll bring you some shawarma, Oliver.”

The two women easily fell into step with one another. Gail found she didn’t mind being with the new girl, who seemed to be able to sit in silence without an issue. She sighed deeply as she thought of how not true that was for her other friends. They’re all so nosy, especially Chloe. However, she did find she wanted to know more about the new woman.

“So, New York City, huh? How did you wind up in Toronto?” Gail inquired quietly as they made their way to the garage to pick up their cruiser. She nearly whooped in excitement when she realized it was her favorite patrol car, one of the newer ones.

Kate looked thoughtful for a moment and then grimaced a bit. “This is going to sound cliché, but honestly, I just needed a change. I had a bad break up and I worked with her. I have family up here and I thought I’d enjoy a change of pace. But, once a cop, always a cop, right? I had to try again up here.” She looked over at Gail as they got into the cruiser. “What about you? Been here your whole life? Always a cop?” She inquired innocently.

Gail started the car and thought for a moment about how to answer. Pre-Holly, she’d blow it off entirely… but now she felt like if she could just figure out how to let someone in, she wouldn’t feel so alone and blow up the good things in her life. “I’m a Peck. Pecks are cops. I’m sure you’ll learn soon enough. There’s at least one Peck in every precinct. My god father is the Chief of Police.” She said it all quickly, but she tried to keep the bitterness out of her voice. “Straight into the Academy after college is the blueprint for the life of a Peck.”

Kate quietly observed her new friend and could tell something was lurking just beneath the surface. She didn’t think the woman was the type to take well to prodding, so she decided to change the topic until Gail wanted to talk to her. She found that she really enjoyed the snarky blonde and wanted to keep everything even keel.

“I understand that. Well, not personally, but I know a lot of legacies back in NYC. It’s a lot to carry on your shoulders. So, who is Nick?” She decided to test the waters.

“Oh jeez, Nick. He’s my ex.” She rolled her eyes and looked over at her. “He followed me here, we got back together after he left me at the altar, he fell in love with McNally on assignment and then dumped me over a serial killer interrogation” She said it all kind of matter of fact. She glanced over and Kate’s eyes were huge.

“That… he… what?” Kate was totally flummoxed. How could anyone leave this gorgeous woman at the alter? Serial Killer?

“It’s all in the past. It kind of sucked at first, but then I met someone and things got better. Until they didn’t.” Gail was very detached as she spoke, as if she was observing her life from outside. She glanced over at Kate, who was still looking at her wide eyed. “It really isn’t a big deal. Honestly. We’re all friends now, even Nick.”

“You’re a bigger person than I am, Gail.” She said it seriously, holding the blonde’s gaze.

“You may be the only person in the history of time to say that to me and mean it!” Gail grinned at her and kept driving. “I’m going to stop for donuts. Is that a thing for you guys, too?” She asked as she pulled up in front of her favorite pastry shop.

Kate shook her head as if to get cobwebs out and smiled softly. “I love donuts. It’s a stereotype for a reason, right?” As they both got out of the car, they laughed and made their way into the shop together. Once they completed their breakfast purchase, they began patrol. Gail took a lot of time to explain everything about Toronto and protocol. She really wanted to help Kate acclimate here as she was enjoying her company already. She could use a friend. A beautiful friend, her mind amended and she had to stop herself from groaning. She was not necessarily ready for anything after losing Holly. Unknown to even Holly, Gail had been in love with her. Losing her had nearly broken her in half, but it did motivate her in a way she’d never felt before. She was now in her own place, driving a new car and getting a promotion. So, while she lost the love, she did gain a new perspective. Alas, that didn’t help her now as she looked into bright green eyes and grinned because there was some chocolate right above her lip.

“You… have a little something.” Gail indicated with her hand toward her mouth. Kate immediately blushed and began licking her lips to get rid of the chocolate.

Kate sighed deeply. She was not used to feeling so off kilter around people. Especially not women. She was smooth and confident. What was it about the blonde woman that was unraveling her so completely? “Well, guess my image is blown now.” She joked a bit to break her own awkwardness.

“Nah, it’s kinda cute. It’s nice to know you’re not perfect, honestly!” Gail smiled again and they continued their patrol. As the day wore on, Gail taught her meticulously about everything she’d need to know, including ideal partners and a warning to avoid Duncan. However, they also learned about each other a lot. Gail knew that Kate came from a big family, had dual citizenship, enjoyed rock music, rode motorcycles, had a cat named Tolstoy and hated flying. Kate learned that Gail was highly intelligent, felt a ton of pressure from her family, hated sports, loved beer and was allergic to tomatoes. As their shift ended, they both agreed to go for a celebration drink. Their plans, however, were overheard and it became a group activity.

Gail, Kate, Chloe, Dov, Chris, Andy and Oliver were all at the Penny. They were expecting Sam and Nick a bit later (though certainly not arriving together – no love lost there). Gail sat squished into the wall with Kate right next to her. It felt oddly comfortable to be there with her, but there were warning bells going off in her head not to get too comfortable.

Kate, for her part, was very aware of how close she was to the blonde. It had been awhile since she was this attracted to another person. The blonde was incredibly smart, witty and sharp. She was also drop dead gorgeous. That pale skin and hair with the vivid blue eyes. It was a one, two punch. As the night wore on, she relaxed more and eventually let her hand fall onto Gail’s thigh. She knew it was fast, but she was tired of fighting her body’s response to the blonde woman.

Gail felt the hand the moment it landed on her leg and she froze just a bit, then slowly looked over. Kate seemed to be perfectly relaxed with her hand there and continued talking. Gail felt comfortable enough and re-engaged with the conversation. She wasn’t accustomed to this physical affection anymore, but she was relieved she wasn’t uncomfortable.

“You’ve got to be kidding me. That movie was terrible, Chris.” She said heatedly. Comics were her jam and she hated having to discuss it with morons. “Wonder Woman all the way.”

Chris looked offended. “No way, dude. That was a great movie. I know Gal Gadot is hot and all, but c’mon, Gail!”

“Your standards in movies are obviously low. “ She shook her head. Dov then jumped in to support Gail and the boys started bickering. Gail felt a squeeze on her thigh and looked over into green eyes which were fixed on her.

“I didn’t realize what a nerd you are. If possible, it makes me like you more. Maybe you want to come over and watch a movie with me sometime?” Her voice was dripping with seduction and she couldn’t and wouldn’t stop it even if she could.

Gail felt her pulse pick up a bit at the look she was receiving and the warmth of the hand burning into her. Her heart was aching, still missing Holly, but she was determined to shut it up. She had to find her old Peck Charm.

“That would be really good.” She said it confidently, she meant it even, but it did feel hollow deep inside of her. She smirked at her new friend regardless.

Kate grinned saucily and winked, then turned back to Oliver to talk quietly. Gail sat quietly, observing Kate talking to her friend. She very slowly reached down and covered the hand on her thigh gently and gave it a small squeeze. Kate flipped her hand and took Gail’s hand into her own, rubbing her thumb on her palm.

Gail just smiled and reengaged in conversation with her two former roommates regarding the pros and cons of both Marvel and DC. The night went on like that, both women holding hands inconspicuously. Kate fit right in the merry band of misfits and Gail felt good as the night wore down. As they were all leaving, Kate and Gail were the last two standing outside. They were both stalling. Due to the cold air, they were shivering a bit and could see their puffs of breath as they watched each other. Gail finally had enough and stepped closer to Kate, gently backing her against the wall of the Penny.

Kate held her breath, mesmerized by the baby blue eyes in front of her. She’d been waiting for this all day, hoping she wasn’t reading their chemistry wrong.

Gail studied her intently for a few more moments and then slowly closed the distance, gently kissing the lips in front of her. She didn’t press, but her hands came up to cup Kate’s jaw. She allowed Kate to determine the next move. She didn’t have to wait long until Kate grabbed her belt loops and pulled her closer, tilting her head and slowly parting her lips. Then they were REALLY kissing. The kiss lasted for a long time, until they needed breath and Gail gently broke the kiss and laid her forehead against Kate’s.

“I’ve wanted to do that all day.” She admitted it to the night air, very softly.

“Me too.” Kate allowed, still holding Gail close to her. “Do you think we can keep trying this?” She looked at her carefully. She wasn’t into the whole Lesbian UHaul joke, but she knew she didn’t need more time to figure out she was interested in at least seeing what this could be. Dating this woman could be amazing.

“I want to… but you need to know some things first. How about we have dinner tomorrow and we can talk about it?” Gail was trying to be a grown up about things. She didn’t want to repeat her past mistakes. Part of this was being open with this woman about how damaged she is, but that she’s trying to move past it.

“I understand that. You probably need to know a few things, too. Dinner sounds amazing. Did you want to go out or stay in?” She said it evenly, but her heart rate picked up thinking of being alone with Gail.

“Well, part of me wants to say public because you’re tempting my resistance, but I do think this is a private conversation. Why don’t you come around to mine and we can talk? I’ll cook for you.” Most people didn’t know Gail was a great cook. She desperately wanted to cook for this woman and see if they could move forward together. She knew she had to let Holly go and perhaps this was the first step in getting there.

Gail leaned in and kissed her softly again. “Let me walk you to your car.” She said it softly and then reached for Kate’s hand. Kate took the offered hand and they walked quietly to Kate’s car. Both women were lost in their own worlds for the short trip.

“Thank you, Gail. I had fun tonight. You have been a breath of fresh air and I love your friends. I think this move was a good thing.” She admitted it with a small grin. She leaned over and kissed Gail again as she opened her car door. “Text me when you get home?” She asked sweetly. Gail nodded and closed her door for her. “Be safe, Kate.”

For the first time in a long time, Gail slept well. She didn’t dream of Holly or Perik. She didn’t dream of anything at all. She woke up refreshed and got ready to go to work. She arrived and immediately sought out Kate to get their day started. She was both looking forward to and dreading their dinner. She knew she had to try, but she didn’t know if she was too damaged to try something new.

That evening rolled around after an uneventful shift and she was rushing around her house trying to finish dinner. Just as she was pouring the wine, she heard her doorbell. Gail took a deep, fortifying breath and went to answer it.

Kate had been so nervous leading up to this moment that she stood outside for 5 minutes before she rang the bell. She waited, her heart hammering in nerves. Once the door was open, she met warm blue eyes and she relaxed. Something about Gail put her at ease as quickly as it sent her heart beating wildly.

“Welcome!” Gail smiled, but she felt overwhelmed, like she’d shot gunned 10 sodas. She hadn’t wanted anyone in her space since Holly, and Holly was still EVERYWHERE in her mind. But, she had to try and Kate deserved honesty.

Gail stepped aside and Kate quietly walked in. She handed Gail a bottle of wine and looked around at the very modern space in front of her. It was warm, but it was tidy and not cluttered. She saw black and white art on the walls and a very plush looking couch looking at a fireplace. Over the fireplace was a huge TV, but it wasn’t on. She heard soft jazz music playing and she finally got a whiff of something that smelled delicious.

“Oh my god, Gail. What is that smell? It’s amazing.” She grinned as she watched the blonde work in the kitchen.  
“It’s just lemon chicken and rice with sautéed veggies. I didn’t want to overdo it.” Gail answered as she was working to plate the food. “Go ahead and have a seat. Dinner is about to be served. Do you want red or white wine?”

“White, please. Thank you.” Kate sat down at the cozy table and continued to watch as Gail deposited the plates and went back to pour wine. “This looks amazing, thank you.”

Gail finally came over and sat down, huffing a tiny bit. “I hope you like it.” She lifted her glass to her new friend (maybe more?). “Salud.”

Kate gently responded and they began to eat. The moment she took a bite, she nearly moaned. The flavor was so light and amazing. “This is amazing, Gail.” Gail laughed a little in return and dug into her own food. Since she’d met Holly, she was trying to eat healthier and make better choices. So, despite the broken heart, she did come out with a few lessons. She’d adopted a healthier diet (except she wouldn’t give up her cheesy puffs) and a pretty structured workout plan. She’d lost what little fat she had and had been working to tone her body. No one could see it yet, but she hoped someone would soon. Perhaps someone sitting across from her. Despite her heart warring with her, her body had no qualms in how it felt about Kate.

As they quietly ate, Kate decided it was time to brave the deep waters. “So, tell me about why you’re so hesitant, Gail. I don’t want to push, but I want to be upfront in that I like you and I’d like to try to be something more than colleagues. However, if you feel it’s too soon, I’m happy to have a new friend, no matter how gorgeous she is.” Kate look steadily at Gail, holding her gaze, letting her know she meant every word.

Gail took in her words and the sincere look and decided to just be honest.

“About a year ago, I fell in love with an amazing woman and it ended poorly and prematurely. She introduced me to this whole new world and made me want to be better. And even though it’s over, I’m still a little messed up. I still have pangs of missing her, but I just want her to be happy – which, I hope she is. She left Toronto.” Gail divulged softly, keeping eye contact, refusing to be ashamed of being vulnerable. Another gift from Holly.

Kate nodded slowly as she thought about it. “So, you’re new to dating women?” She asked carefully.

Gail shrugged. “It was only new at first. It felt like… it felt like I could finally breathe. I felt comfortable in a way I’d never felt with Nick or anyone else.”

“I get that. I had my own moment in college. I’ve been way happier since then. Full disclosure, my relationship was also very serious. The end was so out of  
the blue for me and I know that’s usually not true, but I really didn’t see it coming. One moment we were picking out paint colors for our new apartment and the next, she’s unhappy and wants to see other people. It really threw me for a loop. Obviously I reacted strongly… I left the state. It’s been a bit of time, but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t still jar me sometimes.” Kate was quiet as she watched Gail take it all in.

“So, we’re both a little damaged. What would you say about taking it slowly? I’d like to try, but I don’t want to rush and mess this up. If it’s not working on that level, then we can reassess and be friends. I’d like to be friends either way, honestly. You’re a good person and I feel comfortable around you – which isn’t a normal thing for me.” The blonde offered with a small shrug.

“I think that sounds perfect. Let’s just see where we go from here, how about that? We’ll try to date a little, with no pressure and see if it works. If not, then we can be buddies who have better taste in movies than your former roommates.

Gail paused and her heart jarred painfully as she knew she had one more thing to disclose that could break this tentative peace

“There is one more thing you should know. It’s not a secret and I’d rather you hear about it from me.” She gulped and looked at her plate. She couldn’t talk about this easily. “When I mentioned a serial killer, I didn’t go into much detail. Have you ever heard of Ross Perik?” Gail asked quietly. She knew she should have been more up front with Holly about this, it might have saved them, saved her from being so afraid. Hindsight. So, she knew she didn’t want to make the mistake again.

Kate was startled by the name. She knew him. “I don’t think there’s a cop in North America who doesn’t know him.” She cocked her head, trying to work it out.

“So, you know he kidnapped a cop and killed another one?” She asked quietly, her voice trembling as she fiddled with her fork for something to do.

“Yes… it was here in Toronto. My family told me all about it…” Kate was still puzzling it out. “Did you know either of them?”

Gail took a very deep breath. “I was one of them. And Jerry died saving me.” She said it as steadily as she could and ventured a look up at her companion.

Kate visibly startled at this, her hand coming up to her heart. “That was YOU?” She couldn’t even fathom that the woman sitting across from her was the same woman…and that she was still out on the streets. “HOW? How are you still out there?”

Gail laughed a not funny laugh and sighed. “I’m a cop. It’s what I do. It’s all I am.” She sighed and ran fingers through her short hair, automatically thinking again of Holly. “What else was I going to do?”

Kate just stared; gob smacked by the news. Gail continued watching Kate until she became too nervous and stood up, gathering plates and quickly moved back to the kitchen.

Kate was watching her move around, studying her. This woman was brave. She didn’t know if she’d have been able to keep going out there. She could see very easily how shaken up Gail was, so she slowly stood up as Gail started talking quickly. Despite the surprise, the admission only made the enigmatic blonde more appealing.

“I know it’s a lot to take in. It’s been an issue for the last couple of years. I understand if it’s too much…” Gail was rambling, cleaning plates frantically, not looking at her guest. So, she didn’t see Kate approach her from behind until she felt arms around her waist. She froze as the arms began to turn her. She was standing there, trapped between her island and the woman she’d invited here. She looked steadily into green eyes until she couldn’t because her eyes were closed in a kiss. It was soft, but it was purposeful and Gail relaxed a bit.

Once the kiss ended, Kate stepped back only an inch and held the gaze. “It’s not too much.” She said it very solidly and kept eye contact with the blonde. Once Gail relaxed again, she closed the distance and kissed her again soundly, without a single reservation. This woman deserved someone who would stay and she hoped she could be that person. Fast or not, she knew this could be something and she wasn’t anyone’s fool.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One Step Forward, Two Steps Back?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a bit short, but needed it to kick off the next bit. Thanks again for reading.

Gail groaned in the shower. She was extremely sick of taking cold ones. However, when you’re very slowly dating a woman who looked and acted like Kate, you tend to take a lot of cold showers. It had been the longest 6 weeks of her life, honestly. They had been dating for the last 6 weeks and it had been amazing. Kate was well read, quirky, affectionate and very sarcastic. They’d gone and done so many things, just to get to know each other. By some unspoken agreement, they were waiting to have sex. She didn’t know what the sign was to move forward, but her body was reminding her that she did, in fact, have needs.

Invariably, those needs reminded her of Holly. She keenly remembered what it had been like between them. She had flashes of being pinned in white sheets, soulful brown eyes gazing at her with so much love as she tore her apart inside. Yes, Holly had been confident in bed and for good reason. She had blown Gail away. As she finished her ninth cold shower of the week, her mind went back to a specific memory with Holly. They had been at Holly’s house and Gail was sitting on the couch complaining about Chloe. Holly was laughing and grabbing them both more beers. When Gail looked up, she caught the brunette’s eyes and her mouth went dry. Holly was so beautiful, but when she was carefree and happy? Nothing was more captivating. Gail took the beers, sat them on the coffee table and pulled Holly into her lap. Her hands immediately carded through silky brunette locks and she kissed her girlfriend deeply. Some need deep inside was clawing at her. She had to have Holly and she had to have her now, on this couch… she broke apart, still breathing air with Holly and very slowly lowered her hand to the zipper of Holly’s jeans…

NO. Gail shook her head and turned the water off, leaning her head against the shower door. She was living a truly torn existence and she hated it. She really liked Kate and she was trying so hard to turn off the other voice in her head so that they could move forward. Her heart still throbbed with pain and need of Holly. Her head and body, and maybe a little of her heart, also felt compelled to be with Kate. She constantly felt pulled in two different directions. She hadn’t been hiding it from Kate. While the depth of that pull remained secret to everyone but her, she was always honest with her…girlfriend about where she was emotionally. 

She sighed and stepped out of the shower. She knew she needed to figure this out and do it quickly. She had the sudden idea that she needed to call Holly and make peace. Perhaps they could eventually be friends even. But, keeping her locked in a box and on a pedestal was going to hold her back and harm her. She nodded her head and decided to let Kate know her intentions. She had worked hard at being honest and giving and open. 

“Hey, Detective Hot Stuff!’ Kate’s voice came on the line. Gail smiled naturally at the sound of her girlfriend’s.

“Hi there. Have a minute?” Gail asked quietly. She knew Kate would pick up on the tone immediately and switch gears.

“For you? Always. What’s up?” As she’d predicted, Kate became serious and just simply waited. She was different like that. She never rushed Gail to talk when she had something on her mind. It allowed her the space to feel safe and she’d been incredibly open with Kate.

“I want to preface this by saying that this isn’t anything to worry about.” Gail told her directly and waited.

There was a very slight pause.

“Okay.” Kate said evenly. Having a tone could set this off on the wrong course. She knew her girl and she was mercurial and very skittish.

“I want to move … forward with you. I want to BE with you, officially. But, I can feel something holding me back and I want to figure that out. I need to talk to Holly. I need the closure to move forward.” Gail didn’t rush it out, she did say it very gently, careful to show her intentions were simply to call Holly to figure out how to let go of the past and move forward.

Kate wasn’t really surprised, but she was a bit startled. Yes, things had been going very well, but Kate knew Gail struggled sometimes; Gail had been open to make sure she was comfortable. And she KNEW they both wanted more than good night kisses and cold showers. The electricity between them was becoming problematic. She couldn’t look away from Gail’s lips during group conversations. She knew Gail felt it, too. She could feel it as Gail pulled at her more forcefully while kissing on the couch, by whimpering as they laid pressed together at every point. But she also knew that something was holding her girlfriend back. There were three, sometimes four of them in this relationship. She, too, had some issues moving on from Rachel. So, she knew this was coming at some point and she knew she had to be okay with it.

“That makes sense. I could probably take the same advice with Rachel. Have you thought about what you want to say? What you want to know?” She asks as calmly as possible. She does understand and she doesn’t want to scare Gail.

“Mostly. It’s probably not going to be a long conversation. I wasn’t exactly the most mature about how it ended. She’ll want to get it over with as soon as possible.” Gail laughs, but it’s not a funny one. “I wouldn’t want it to drag on if I were her. And then, hopefully, I’ll be able to leave that in the past.” Gail sighed down the phone line, beating herself up for the millionth time.

Kate was familiar with this line of thinking. She didn’t know Holly, but she did know of her. She hadn’t met a single person who didn’t adore the woman. Tracy, as she’d gotten to know her, had filled in some missing pieces of the Holly Story. She wasn’t clear on everything, including the connection between everyone, but she knew enough. Tracy was too kind to flaunt their love, but it was clear they HAD loved each other. Holly loved Gail and she knew from what Tracy said, that Holly STILL loved Gail. At least in some way. She wasn’t bitter with the blonde and was eagerly awaiting the chance to be friends with her, at least. She couldn’t tell Gail that, though.

“Oh please, you’re so delightful… she’ll be thrilled.” She joked, but the undercurrent was serious. She couldn’t divulge Tracy’s, and by extension, Holly’s secrets, but she could make sure Gail knew how awesome she was in general. She didn’t want her to go into this conversation feeling too vulnerable. It was going to be hard enough.

“You’re so biased.” Gail laughed genuinely and Kate could hear the smile. “I’ll call you later?” 

“You better. Talk soon.” Kate smiled into the phone and hung up. She sat down on her bed, phone in hand, then laid back. She was okay, she was… but she was also pretty sure she was falling for Gail. She found her to be so intriguing, mysterious, funny and kind. She was snarky as hell and loyal and an incredible kisser. So, she was okay with this, but she was also kind of panicking. Since she knew Holly still cared for Gail and she knew Gail still, at least in some way, cared for Holly… she knew there was the chance to lose the woman she was growing to care so deeply for. Then she started down her own path of memories and sighed deeply. 

Rachel had been a big love for her. She’d learned how to love from her. She also learned how to lose from her. She still sometimes wondered how Rachel had fared after their breakup. She’d blocked her on every avenue because she couldn’t allow contact if she was really going to walk away. So, she had no way to know how she was. It did enter her mind sometimes, though and she figured, maybe it’s time. She picked up her phone and dialed the familiar NYC number.

Gail sat down on her couch now that she was dressed. She picked up her phone and stared at it. She knew she had to do this, but she was dreading it. She knew hearing that voice would wreck her, but she also knew she needed to do this to have any chance with Kate. Gail closed her eyes to gather herself and then dialed the phone.

“Hello?” Holly sounded cautious, afraid to spook Gail. “Gail?” Just saying the word lit Holly on fire. She missed Gail every day. She had struggled every day for months to not pack everything in her house and run back to Toronto. She knew she couldn’t, and it wasn’t the right thing for Gail. Tracy hadn’t given her much, just that Gail had been promoted and had been doing well. She knew she couldn’t push because Tracy would never betray Gail and she’d never want to put her in that position anyway.

“Holly. Hey.” Came the breathless voice she could still hear in her dreams. 

“Is everything okay?” The brunette asked, concerned. She wasn’t expecting to hear from Gail and she worried something was wrong.

“Oh yeah! Everything is okay. I’m sorry, I should have started with that!” Gail said it quickly, genuinely sorry she’d scared Holly. Of course, she’d assume the worst. She hadn’t heard from Gail in months.

“Whew. Okay. Wow. I wasn’t expecting to hear from you...” Holly trailed off, not knowing how to finish that sentence. Had she expected to ever hear from her again? Her mind said no, but her heart kept hoping.

Gail laughed self-deprecatingly, “Yeah, well, I didn’t leave you any other impression. I’m sorry to surprise you like this, but I feel like we need to talk.” Her tone was serious, sincere.

Holly sat up a little on her couch, suddenly not sure she wanted to have this conversation. She felt her anxiety rising as she waited patiently for the next part.

Gail was fidgeting on her couch, eyes skyward and she summoned the courage to say what she needed to say.

“I’m sorry, Holly. I wanted to start with that. I’ve had… months of time to go through everything again and I know I messed up. I’m so sorry I ran, that I didn’t call you and that I made it so difficult. You deserved better and I’m really sorry.” Gail said it quickly, but she meant it and Holly knew that. 

Holly’s heart stopped in her chest. This hadn’t been entirely Gail’s fault and it hurt her to think she’d been thinking that. She wanted to cut in, but suddenly Gail was continuing.

“So, I know why it had to end. Even if you hadn’t been leaving, it would have ended because I was such a brat. I know that and I want you to know that I know that.” Gail breathed out, her voice wobbling. She felt such an amount of anxiety as she tried to get through this. She knew Holly deserved the apology and she knew she needed to get off the phone quickly. Her heart was pounding, almost as if it knew who was on the line and it was tearing her apart all over again.

“Gail…” Holly gasped, trying to interrupt, but Gail was not to be deterred.

“And, you know, I learned from it. I am so thankful you came into my life! You taught me so much. So, thank you. Thank you for being you. I guess I just… I needed to tell you that… I.. I’m sorry and thank you, Holly. You are still the best thing that ever happened to me and you should know that.” Gail was rambling now, trying to regain her composure.

“I just, Holly… I needed closure and I couldn’t get that without telling you all of that. I met someone and I can’t move forward with her when I’m thinking about you. And I… I mean… I’m always thinking about you.” Gail finished quietly. “I’m always thinking about you and I should be thinking about her. So, I’m sorry and thank you.” Gail hung up the phone. She couldn’t say anything else, tears were running down her face. She knows she should have let Holly talk, but she had to just pull the arrow out of the gaping wound in her chest. She turned off her phone and curled into herself on the couch. She cried quietly, just trying to deal with the waves of pain in her chest.

Holly had stood up in the middle of that ramble and was now frozen in place. Gail had hung up on her. Gail had met someone. Her Gail was with a new someone. Holly sat back down hard on the couch, she could hear her heartbeat ringing in her ears. She knew this was the risk. She knew someone like Gail would find someone else. She was the most amazing human being Holly had ever met. She enthralled her from the beginning. She KNEW it would happen, but she wasn’t ready for it. Gail had a new someone. Someone else was kissing her now. Was she holding her at night? Did she know how to soothe Gail from nightmares? Her brain easily supplied all the horrible things to imagine. She felt her heart thud and her eyes well up and she just sat back.

She had done this to herself. She had chosen to leave Gail and now she was going to pay for it. Holly laid there and allowed the tears to take her to sleep.

Gail eventually woke back up on her couch, her head throbbing. She was disoriented for a long moment, but then it all came rushing back. She’d called Holly, spilled her guts and hung up on her. She reached for her phone and turned it back on. Once it loaded, she saw she had a lot of missed calls and texts. Some were from Kate, some were from Holly and one from Tracy. Gail groaned. 

She called Kate first. As soon as the line picked up, she heard Kate’s soft voice. “Gail, I’ve been worried.” She wasn’t reprimanding, she just wanted Gail to know she’d been worried. 

“I’m sorry, baby. That was just rather taxing. I took a nap.” It wasn’t a lie, even if it wasn’t the total truth. It wasn’t just taxing, it’d destroyed her to say goodbye to Holly.

“I figured it might be. I also called Rachel and it wasn’t peachy keen.” She admitted, her voice kind of hoarse, which would indicate she’d been crying. The call hadn’t been unfriendly, but it had been raw. Apparently, Rachel hadn’t moved on or even seen anyone else. Once Kate had left, she’d realized her mistake but didn’t know how to fix it. Now Kate was left holding the bag of that and you can’t put a genie back in a bottle. She was confused. She cared for Gail, felt like maybe she was falling in love with her, but she KNEW she would always love Rachel, too. What was she supposed to do?

The women sat quietly on the phone for a bit, neither knowing exactly what to say. A few thousand miles away, Holly had already figured out what she was going to do.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time to compare notes - is it what either want to hear?

The silence quickly became suffocating and it made Gail panic. 

“Kate… I… are you okay?” She asked it so quietly, fearful of the answer. 

“Oh, Gail. Yes. I’m okay. I’m just a little overwhelmed.” Kate decided to be honest, but she certainly didn’t want to scare Gail. “My own closure call just didn’t go as I expected it might.” She knew the only way forward, whatever that was going to be, was to be honest.

“What happened?” Gail asked softly.

“Ha. Well, it wasn’t exactly closure, honestly. I don’t want to blow it out of proportion on the phone. Do you want to have dinner so we can talk about all of this? I think we need to have a conversation.” She was speaking in a soothing voice, even though she knew the content wouldn’t help Gail relax at all.

Gail paused for a long moment and Kate sat quietly waiting.

“If you want to do dinner, we can do that. I’m not going to lie, I’m feeling a bit nervous, but I don’t want this to just explode in our faces.” The blonde sighed deeply. “Did you want to come here or for me to come to yours?” 

“I’ll come there. They’re still renovating my kitchen and it’s a mess.” Kate looked around and was beginning to question her decision to buy a house in Toronto. No. She had to stop that line of thinking. Rachel had chosen to end their relationship and she had chosen to move on. The decision wasn’t wrong, even if she now knows it was considered a mistake by her ex. She had a new person here and she needs to figure herself out.

“Okay. I’ll cook. Be here around 7?” Gail offered, mentally figuring out what she had available for dinner. There was a question of whether she could even eat, honestly, but she wouldn’t divulge that just yet. Overreacting wasn’t going to look good for either of them.

“Okay, Officer Awesome. I’ll see you in a bit?” Kate tried to be peppy to loosen up the feeling of melancholy hanging between them. “I’ll be the girl with the tequila.” 

“I can’t wait.” It was stated simply because it was true.

Gail stood at her kitchen island, taking a long pull from a beer she’d just gotten out of the fridge. Throughout the process of cleaning up her house and cooking, she’d had a lot of time to think about what she needed to say to Kate. She also had a lot of time to think about what Kate might have to say to her and where it might leave them. She knew that her call with Holly had not helped her because she hadn’t allowed Holly to speak. She had a case of nervous word vomit and hung up on the woman she loved. Wait. No. Holly wasn’t hers to love anymore. She sighed deeply and took another sip of beer. She knew, logically, that she cared for Kate. A lot, honestly. But she also knew that one phone call with zero words from the doctor in San Francisco had elicited more emotion than 6 weeks of a honeymoon period with Kate had. That was the rub, wasn’t it? It didn’t matter if she closed the door on Holly if she simply didn’t feel the same about her new girlfriend. She groaned and circled again. She knew Kate was good for her, they had fun and she was personally invested in Gail’s wellbeing and vice versa. It wasn’t as if she didn’t care for her – she just wasn’t in love with her. The simple fact was, she was still in love with Holly and her heart wouldn’t budge. 

She was roused out of her thoughts by a timid knock at her door. Gail took a deep breath, set her beer down on the counter and slowly walked to the door. She heavily exhaled one last time and pasted a smile onto her face as she opened the door.

Kate stood on the other side of the door, waiting on her blonde Detective. Her stomach was churning and it didn’t lessen when she saw the beautiful face in front of her. Those blue eyes looked pained and afraid, successfully sucker punching Kate. Her own green eyes automatically started to water and she walked in, set down the tequila bottle and pulled Gail into a tight hug. Gail relaxed into the embrace, her head slotting into the brunette’s neck, inhaling deeply. God, she wishes she could just figure this out. She wants to want Kate as much as she wants, WANTED, Holly. Dammit. Kate was having similar thoughts as she held the blonde against her. Did it feel the same as holding Rachel? Did it even matter? 

They separated slowly, gazing at each other silently. Neither knew how to break the silence.

“Come in. Dinner is ready. And bring that bottle. I think we’re going to need it.” Gail stated, turning around and pulling Kate along with her to the dining room. They both take a seat at the table Gail had prepared and sigh. 

“I guess I can start if you want. I know making you wait will only make this harder for you.” Kate offered, knowing how impatient and worried Gail was. “I called Rachel to figure out what I needed to know. I wanted to understand what happened, understand why it ended. I guess, maybe, I didn’t want to make the same mistakes with you that I did with her. Or, I don’t know… maybe I called to see how she was doing with it? I’m unsure of what I wanted to get from that call, but all I did get was confusion.” She took a drink of the wine Gail had poured for her and sat back, timidly looking at Gail. Gail, for her part, was listening intently, trying to figure out how she felt about what she was hearing. 

“It turns out, Rachel has a lot of regrets. She felt like we were moving too fast and so she reacted poorly and immediately wanted to take it back, but I was gone. I blocked her number, her email, her social media. I knew I had to if I wanted a clean break. So, I’ve had no idea and I left no forwarding address for her. If she’s reached out to my family, they’ve kept it from me because I asked them to do so. I didn’t make anyone choose sides, obviously, I just asked they not keep me in the loop should they hear from her.” Kate sighed deeply and then plowed ahead, eyeing her noticeably quiet girlfriend as she spoke. “So, she told me how much she loved me and now she understands what she had and that she’d do anything to take it all back. I didn’t say much else. The call ended with me thanking her for her candor and hanging up. We didn’t get into anything else because I felt that you and I needed to talk first IF I ever wanted to talk to her again.” Kate leaned forward, resting her hand on Gail’s tense arm. “What do you think?”

Gail was frozen in place, looking down at the hand on her arm. She was taken back immediately to that first night in the bar. That touch had become so familiar over the last few weeks, but it felt foreign now. She wasn’t sure if it was because she didn’t trust the warmth anymore or because she, too, had had an enlightening conversation (as one sided as it was). 

“I think… I need some tequila.” She laughed uneasily, standing up to go get a couple of low-ball glasses. She set them down and took her seat again, pouring them both a small amount of the Patron. She threw her first gulp back and then looked at the green eyes she’d become so fond of. 

“I understand all of that. I can even understand how confusing it must have been for you. However, I think the only thing that matters is how YOU feel about what you heard.” Gail looked at her expectantly. She tried to keep her body language open, but she wasn’t sure how well it translated. She was an odd mixture of nervous and anxious. Nervous for the end, anxious for the easy way out she knew she shouldn’t be wanting to take. 

Kate took a long moment and then looked at the tequila in her glass. She didn’t know how to answer this question without getting more questions she didn’t know how to answer.

“To be totally honest, I don’t know. I’ve been going through it in my head since I hung up and I’ve got no clear answer for you. And I know that’s not fair to you. I know that… but… I don’t know.” She trailed off, her eyes starting to water because she just felt so conflicted. She implored Gail with her eyes to be patient.

Gail took a deep breath. She wasn’t angry, per se, but she was frustrated. As confused as she was about her call with Holly, she would give Kate everything she needed. Somewhere between that walk from the kitchen back to the table, she’d decided that at the very least, she would give Kate the full truth. She wasn’t sure, at this very moment, if she wanted them to make it or get out while they could still be friends…

“Kate. You do know how you feel. You may not understand the implications, but you know how you feel about it. I know how I feel about my conversation with Holly.” She spoke very softly, her tone as even as she could make it. She wasn’t being defensive; she was being direct. She knew they wouldn’t survive as anything if they weren’t intentional with the discussion. God, she kind of hated that she wasn’t a brat anymore. It would be easy to jump out of the tree here. However, she also knew she owed it to herself, to Kate and even to Holly to be an adult about this.

Kate felt small and she also felt a bit called out, but not in a bad way. One of the things she enjoyed in Gail is she wasn’t afraid to tell her the truth. Yes, sometimes it was caustic, but it was always honest and she loved the snark most days. Of course, it wasn’t usually pointed in her direction…

“Okay. That’s fair. I don’t like it, but it’s fair.” Kate sighed, running her fingers through her dark tresses and again looking up at Gail. There was a pain in her eyes she finally allowed to show. “I’m not unaffected by what I heard. If I’d known what I know now, 7 weeks ago, I wouldn’t have sat down next to you at that bar.” There. It was out. She took a drink of tequila and awaited the verdict.

Gail sat back in her chair, the words feeling like a punch. While she was certain she felt differently about Kate than she did Holly, she did care for the woman and she had been happy with their arrangement. To hear that it was a regret wasn’t exactly a relief. She really wished her heart would make up its damn mind already!

Kate watched as a myriad of emotions flashed in the blue eyes in front of her. She felt a lump in her throat as she realized Gail was hurt. No, she wasn’t just hurt. Kate had hurt her. That made it so much worse and she felt her stomach flip in a most unpleasant way. She couldn’t make any more words come out. She needed Gail to know it wasn’t as clear cut as it seemed. She could very clearly see that Gail thought she was a mistake to Kate and she wasn’t. She could never regret meeting and being with the blonde detective. Before she could figure out how to continue, the blonde took the option from her by standing up. 

“Well, I think that pretty much makes my conversation with Holly somewhat meaningless in this scenario.” Her voice warbled a bit, but she simply turned and walked away, back to the kitchen to start putting dinner leftovers away. 

Kate immediately stood up to follow her, unwilling to let her believe what she was obviously thinking.

“Gail, no. That’s not true.” Kate came up behind her and wrapped her arms around her waist, trying desperately to paper over the crack she’d caused. It would help if her heart weren’t so messed up over this, but regardless of Rachel, she CARED about Gail and hurting her was not okay.

Gail shrugged her off, continuing her task without turning around. “Kate, let’s just not. You just told me everything either of us needs to know. We can be adults about this.” She took a deep breath. She knew she was being somewhat childish, but she was hurt. She felt like she’d been taken for a ride by the woman standing behind her. Yes, she’d been confused over Holly, but she’d been honest and as committed as she could be to the woman who she’d thought she could move on with. That was gone now as she couldn’t trust the affection Kate wanted to give her.

“Baby, no. That’s not what that was. That was not me walking away. Please.” Kate wasn’t too ashamed to beg. She couldn’t let them go down like this; she couldn’t allow Gail to think it meant nothing to her. That SHE meant nothing to her. Her voice was breaking as she pleaded with the blonde’s back.

“Kate.” She breathed out the name and slowly turned around, but backed against the counter, arms crossing protectively over her chest as she looked sadly into the woman’s beautiful, pained green eyes. “We both know what this was for you. You have a second chance… “ Gail stopped and cleared her throat. She felt like she had swallowed gravel. This was so confusing. God, she KNEW this was the right thing for them. She knew it the moment she hung up with Holly feeling like her entire world imploded. It didn’t change the pain of this, though. She did care so much for Kate and this wasn’t easy. “You shouldn’t let me stand in the way of that.” She felt some tears forming in her eyes as the emotions raged inside. As much as she had grown since losing Holly, she was ill prepared for the conflict she could just feel throughout her body.

Kate just watched the woman in front of her fold in on herself and she didn’t know what to do. She regrets making that call now with every fiber of her being. Watching this strong, beautiful woman fight with herself, she realized she did love Gail. Perhaps she wasn’t in love with her, but she was rapidly approaching it and a phone call didn’t change that, even if it might have destroyed it. She lunged forward suddenly, desperately kissing Gail, trying to impart her sorrow, her love with just that kiss.

Gail sobbed into the kiss, wrapping her arms around the woman who’d helped her grow up and heal. She wasn’t ready for this to end entirely, but she also knew it had to be this way. Their kiss turned heated, Gail tangling her hands in Kate’s dark and pulling her flush against her body. Kate moaned at the deepening contact and her stomach tightened in a different way. How could she walk away from this feeling? Gail set her on fire with just a kiss. Suddenly, she felt herself being gently pushed backwards and she was about to protest the space until she figured out Gail was still kissing her, guiding her backwards, toward what she assumed would be the couch. Only they stumbled a bit and Gail held her against the wall, kissing her wildly. She felt her own tears dropping at the feeling of finally feeling all of Gail’s passion, without any reservations. Gail’s tongue swiped against her lips and she accepted it easily, their kiss intensifying. She felt Gail reach down slowly, her hands dragging up her t shirt slowly, revealing her skin to the cool air. Gail pulled back only momentarily as she continued lifting the shirt. Kate lifted her arms, allowing the blonde to remove it and then they were kissing again as Gail’s hands found her breasts. Gail let out a noisy exhale as she felt nipples pebble underneath her hands.

Gail felt out of control. She knew this was ending, no matter what, but she wanted to have her at least once. She wanted her so badly, had wanted her for weeks, but she was afraid to ruin it. Now it was already ruined, so why not go for broke? She couldn’t have Holly and now she couldn’t have Kate. She was desperate to feel anything that wasn’t pain. She reached around as she continued kissing the woman, easily unclasping her bra. She pulled away again and Kate shrugged the bra off as she took a deep breath. She was bare in front of Gail for the first time and it felt impossible. She reached forward and pulled Gail’s t shirt up and over her head, reaching for her again. They were kissing again as Gail pulled her forward and began leading her further into the living room. Kate’s legs hit the couch and she sat down, pulling Gail with her. She was so hot she couldn’t think straight, the woman on her lap driving her crazy with want. She’d never felt like that with anyone, the need so deep and burning. Kate pulled back, looking up at the blonde panting in her lap.

“Gail….” She began as she reached around gently, intending to unclasp her bra. “I know we need to talk… but I just… I want you.” She gazed earnestly at the blonde, awaiting her answer. 

Gail started to answer, her heart in her throat as she thought about the options in front of them. Before she could say anything, and she wasn’t sure what she was going to say, the doorbell rang. Both froze and looked at the front door, breathing hard.

Gail quickly stood up on wobbly legs and grabbed her shirt. She knew she looked a mess – tears on her cheeks, kiss swollen lips and ravaged hair sticking straight up. She looked back at a clearly shaken up Kate on her couch, shirtless as she moved to the door. She knew no one could see in from the front door, so she took a deep breath and opened the door without checking the peephole. Nothing could have prepared her for the sight that greeted her. Her mouth fell open and her eyes widened.

“Holly.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well, that escalated quickly. Now what?

Gail was flummoxed, her mouth opened, but she couldn’t speak. There, on her doorstep, was Holly Stewart. Holly who was looking at her curiously, taking in her appearance, seeming to put the pieces together very quickly. Damn Holly and her giant brain, now was just not the time.

“Oh. I’m sorry. I should have called. Again. I did call. You know, did you check your voice mails or texts yet?” Holly was rambling as she took in the appearance of her ex-girlfriend, who was very clearly busy. Her hair was mussed, her shirt was disheveled, and she knew from experience that her lips had been kissed aggressively. From the looks of it, she was busy with her new someone. Holly felt her brain short circuit in jealousy, even as her mouth kept running without her consent. “Obviously not. I shouldn’t be here. I should go. I’m … I’m going to go…” Holly turned to walk back down the steps; she didn’t want to see this. She’d have to come back when this wasn’t happening, when her brain wasn’t misfiring with the images she didn’t want.

“HOLLY!” Gail finally found her voice and yelled her name out, not caring who heard it. The woman she’d been dreaming of for months, who had sole ownership of her heart and soul, was standing on her steps, trying to leave. Again. “Holly, wait. Please.” She pleaded as she looked behind her at Kate. Kate’s eyes were wide, and she was staring at Gail, hurt building. Gail sighed, why was this all happening? How could all of this happen in one day?

Holly turned slowly, looking at Gail, eyebrows raised as she was visibly flustered. “Gail, this is clearly not a good time.” The words were soft and had a ton of hurt lacing through them. She knew she had no right to feel so hurt, but she was blindly in love with the blonde woman in front of her. She’d been trying for months to ignore it, but she’d gone more days that she thought she could bear denying it. Gail was it for her and she’d been foolish to walk away. She looked at Gail intensely, imploring her to let her go before she lost it. “I’ll come back I promise. Just… not now.”

“No. I know. I’m sorry. I know. But… Holly. Please. I need you to stay. Please.” She didn’t care if she was pleading. She didn’t care if Holly heard it or even Kate, who she didn’t want to hurt. But she couldn’t let the doctor just walk away again. Her heart lurched painfully against her chest as if it realized Holly was near. She had to know why Holly was here.  
Holly stood very still; her brown eyes locked onto blue. She couldn’t stay, she couldn’t. Yet she couldn’t leave and hurt Gail. She heard the pleading tone and knew she wouldn’t walk away again, no matter what was waiting behind that door. She’d take the shots if it meant Gail wouldn’t have that tone in her voice ever again.

“Holly. Just wait. Okay? Please. Let me… I need to go inside for a moment. Just, please don’t go. Okay?” Gail pleaded earnestly. She needed to figure out what to do. She knew her current girlfriend (if that was still a thing) was inside and clearly hurt. However, she also knew she wouldn’t survive it if Holly walked away again. Rock meet hard spot. 

Holly took a deep breath and nodded. “Okay. I can wait.” The doctor’s voice was so low Gail could barely hear it. “Just… don’t forget about me out here and let me know if you want me to go?” She asked like there was any chance in the world Gail would forget about her. 

“I won’t forget. I promise. I’ll… I’ll be right back, okay?” Gail promised and took a deep breath, walking inside as she saw Holly sit down on the steps. What on earth was she supposed to do with this? 

When Gail walked back into the house, she saw Kate gathering her shirt. She turned to Gail, green eyes blazing in pain. “I’m going to go.” She wasn’t being mean, she was resigned. She knew, had always known, Gail loved the woman on the front stoop. The woman Gail asked to stay even though Kate was in her house, half naked. 

“Kate, wait. Please. I’m … I’m having a hard time keeping up with everything. Don’t leave like this.” Gail held her hands out placatingly to the woman she cared about. 

Kate looked at her, exasperated. “You can’t be serious, Gail! I’m trying to be super cool here, but you just begged your ex-girlfriend to stay. What am I supposed to do with that?” She really didn’t know what the blonde wanted from her. And she knew. She knew some of this was her own fault. She told Gail, indirectly as it may have been, that they were a mistake. But how was she supposed to know that Holly would hop on an international flight and show up on the blonde’s doorstep? She thought they’d have time to talk it all out and figure it out together. Instead, she’d stuck her foot in her mouth in a callous, though unintended way, and then the good doctor showed up. She knew, she wasn’t the good guy in this scenario, if anyone was.

“I know. Okay. I know! I don’t know what to do, Kate. You’re… she’s here. I don’t know why she’s here, but she jumped on a plane and flew here to see me. Should I just send her away?” Gail looked utterly lost as she looked at the woman in front of her. “You just told me your ex-girlfriend loves you and if you’d known that, we wouldn’t be standing here. And now she’s standing out there. So, just tell me. What am I supposed to do here?” Gail asked quietly. She wasn’t being petulant; she really didn’t know. She knew someone was going to be hurt no matter what, and most likely, it’d be her. 

Kate closed her eyes and bit back a groan. She knew everything Gail had just said was true. She continued getting redressed and just stood there, looking at the blonde. She had to figure out how to do this with minimal damage. She was so confused in her heart. Earlier, she meant what she said. If she’d known, she’d have gone back to New York immediately. But, what had happened instead was that she met this woman who drove her crazy in all the best ways. And yet…. She truly didn’t know what she’d choose now that it all HAD happened. And she knew she owed it to Gail to let her talk to Holly after everything that had happened that evening. She hated it, but she knew she had to do it. If she made Gail choose, she knew she’d either lose point blank, or win and the cost would be Gail’s resentment. “Gail. Okay. I’m sorry. Why don’t I go? You need to see why she’s here before anyone can have a rational conversation.” She pointed out sadly. 

“Kate. I’m sorry. I’m sorry this is happening. I didn’t know it was happening. You’re right, though, I do need to see why she’s here. Let me do that. I will call you later. Okay? I won’t just leave you hanging.” Gail promised sincerely, her blue eyes pleading with the woman in front of her.

Kate gathered her things and Gail walked her to the door. Kate didn’t feel much like a show of affection, so she just reached out and squeezed Gail’s arm. They opened the door and Kate steeled herself to see the woman she knew Gail had always loved. 

As the door opened, Holly stood up and turned around, her shoulders squared. She felt like she had to be prepared for battle. In front of her stood a beautiful woman beside Gail. They made uncomfortable eye contact and the 3 women didn’t know what to do for a few seconds.

Gail finally bit the bullet. “Kate, this is Dr. Holly Stewart. Holly, this is Officer Kate Wells.” She introduced them awkwardly. The women just looked at each for a moment. Holly recovered first.

“Hello, Kate. I’m really sorry to barge in like this.” Holly said and she really meant it. She knew she should have kept calling Gail until she got through. Or, better yet, she should have had Tracy as a buffer. She’d crashed their evening, an evening leading a specific place, obviously.

Kate swallowed the lump in her throat. Holly was beautiful and awkward, and she could immediately see the appeal for Gail. She radiated warmth and she knew that the woman was sorry. “It’s nice to meet you, even as awkward as this is. No apology needed. I’m going to be going. Gail…. Call me, please?” Kate asked, reaching out to take Gail’s hand briefly. Gail nodded, not trusting her voice. 

Kate slowly walked down the sidewalk and refused to let herself look back as she got into her car. She started the engine and drove away calmly. She got around the block before she had to pull over. She started to cry, really overwhelmed. She didn’t know this was how today would go. She regretted calling Rachel right now and she was curious if that was the sign she needed that Gail was the one she wanted. Or was she just overwhelmed with the sticky situation? She put her head on the steering well and took deep, steadying breaths.

After Kate left, Gail looked to Holly. They stood there, feet apart, but an ocean of distance. “So. Come on in. I figure you are here to talk.” Gail stated softly, opening the door for Holly. The doctor walked into the new home of her ex-girlfriend and looked around. She smiled big and goofy and turned around to Gail, forgetting everything for a moment. “Gail! This place is amazing. And… it’s just so you.” She grinned and kept looking around as Gail watched her somewhat helplessly, head tilted. “It’s modern, but it’s cozy… and I see your video game system is alive and well.” She watched Holly note everything about where she lived and smiled a little. 

“It’s home. I like it much better than the frat house, honestly. There’s only so many dirty towels on the floor a woman can handle, right?” Gail smiled at the brunette and then gave her the tour of downstairs quickly. “Would you like something to drink? I have coffee, tea, juice, beer, water, wine… tequila?” Gail wasn’t sure what type of talk this was going to be.

“I’ll have a water, please. I feel like I need a clear head.” Holly smiled a bit and sat down on the plushy sofa. It was extremely comfortable, and she was impressed with the woman she’d left behind. She’d used her unrest to change her life and Holly was so proud of her.

“Gail, before we dive into this… can I just say, in a non-patronizing way, I’m so proud of you. I keep up with you… and I know you’ve done amazing things in the last few months. So, regardless of the reason, I hope you know you’re amazing.” She spoke quietly, sincerely as Gail handed her a bottle of water and sat down next to her on the couch. 

“Thank you. I had a lot of reasons to stop acting like a brat. I’ve found that I mostly like being a grown up. Mostly. I still eat cheese puffs for breakfast sometimes…so…” Gail giggled awkwardly.

Holly couldn’t help it, she laughed deeply. As different as this Gail was, she was still Gail. “Thank god for small favors. I wouldn’t know what to do if you’d given up cheese puffs.” Holly smiled and took a deep breath. “But, I guess you’re more curious about why I’m here, right?” She asked meekly.

“It had crossed my mind, yes. Not that it’s an unwelcome surprise, mind you. I’m just… why ARE you here?” Gail kept her eyes trained on Holly, afraid if she blinked, the woman would be gone.

“You called me. You called me and you said all these words and you… well, you hung up on me before I could speak. I figured you deserved to hear what I had to say, even if you didn’t want to wait for it then.” Holly shrugged and adjusted her glasses nervously. “Are you willing to let me talk this time?” She asked cautiously. “I just… there are some things you got wrong, and I can’t let that stand. I need you to know the truth, okay?” 

The blonde nodded and swallowed hard. She could do this. She figured Holly just wanted to clear the air. So, she braced herself for the blows, even knowing Holly wasn’t here to be mean. She just didn’t know if her heart could take the let down again. 

“Okay. So. I want to be clear about the first thing. You aren’t the only person at fault for what happened between us. You want to take all the blame and I know that’s a sign that you are owning up to things, but I won’t let you own up to my own mistakes. I messed up, too.” Holly’s gaze was burning into Gail as the blonde sat frozen. That is not what she’d expected Holly to say. Her confusion must have shown on her face.

“I know. I KNOW. You walked out of that bar and didn’t let me explain. Yes, that’s your fault. The part that’s my fault… is that I never told you, before that night, how much you meant to me. And honestly, Gail…I didn’t want Lisa to know before you. So, I handled it poorly with her and you heard something you shouldn’t have and you made that emergency situation. I’m so, so sorry you thought, even for a moment, that you were just fun for me.” Holly pleaded with Gail to hear her. She needed to understand.

“Wait. Holly. What?” Gail stood up, her nerves rattling her. This wasn’t what she expected. “What do you mean?” She began to pace, unable to look at Holly for this part. She felt off her game.

Holly kept seated, knowing Gail would be restless and off her game. She knew her very well. 

“I was trying to keep Lisa out of my business, Gail. I wanted you to know how I felt about you before anyone else. I wanted you to know…… that I loved you. I was crazy about you. No, wait. That’s…that’s not quite right. That’s not the entire truth.” Holly adjusted her glasses nervously again. “I love you. Still. Present tense. And I am crazy about you. Presently. Like.. I… I’m here and I’m looking at you and you’re still all I can see. I am so sorry for not saying it then and maybe even sorrier for saying it now. I know you’re with someone else… but, I can’t not tell you anymore. I’m so in love with you.” Holly said the last part quietly and looked down. She didn’t expect a good reaction to that from the blonde. She knew Gail didn’t give many second chances, and she knew why. She’s constantly been second choice or a backup plan. Gail had never been given second chances. Holly hadn’t wanted to do that to her and she had anyway. She hated herself for it. 

“Holly...” Gail gasped with the new information. Holly loved her. Holly still loved her. How in the world did that make any sense? She wasn’t good enough for the woman in front of her. She was a brat. She’d ran out and refused to take her calls and then decided to try to adopt a child. 

“I know. Gail, I know. I know this is messed up. I know I messed up. WE messed up. And I know, that woman who just left… she cares about you. I’m sorry for the timing. I just… I couldn’t… “ Holly struggled, surprising Gail. Holly’s situation was always situated. “I was sitting in my apartment in San Francisco and all I could picture was that I’d blown my last shot with you. That I’d never get another chance. So, I just…. I jumped on a plane and got your address from Tracy…who, you know, I had to beg and plead with. She’s very loyal to you. But I’m here and I’m … I’m so in love with you.” Holly finally dissolved into tears, her head dropping into her hands as she completely broke down.

Gail was absolutely flummoxed. The woman she loved beyond all reason, apparently loved her beyond all reason. The woman she thought she’d lost forever was here, basically ripping her heart open for her. Holy shit. What was she supposed to do? Her mind was spinning. Holly was here. Holly loved her. But. She was going to go back to San Francisco. And she had Kate. Sort of? She sat down heavily beside Holly. Despite everything, she couldn’t see Holly in pain. She reached out and pulled the brunette into her arms, holding her close as she cried.

“Oh god. Holly. Don’t cry. Please don’t cry.” She whispered soothingly, holding the woman she loved close to her. “It’s going to be okay. We’ll figure something out, okay? Don’t cry.” She didn’t know what they’d figure out, but she would do anything to stop the tears falling from beautiful brown eyes.

“I don’t want to mess up your life, Gail.” Holly was barely whispering, and Gail had to strain to hear her. “I’m just a complication you don’t need. I don’t know…why did I do this? You’re clearly with a new person who didn’t leave you. I’m… Oh my god. I’m so sorry.” Holly stood up quickly, suddenly realizing what all she’s just done. She never flew off the handle like that. She jumped on a plane and derailed Gail’s life. She was so selfish. She started to wring her hands together.

“No, stop. Holly. Stop. I called you. I did this. WE did this. I just… what… I’m confused?” Gail looked at her positively confounded. “Other than … well, other than telling me it wasn’t all my fault and how you felt. How you feel…?” Gail stood up and approached Holly somewhat . “What is this about?” 

Holly took a deep breath and looked into Gail’s clear blue eyes. She loved those eyes. How she has lived without them, she has no idea. “I don’t know, Gail. I just know…I can’t live without you anymore. If you can’t…” she gulped, afraid of what came next “If you can’t be with me, I will just be your friend. The past few months have been hell. I miss you every day. I miss your snark and your weird obsession with critiquing cooking shows and your love for pulling the rug out from under people. You’re … you’re the best thing to ever happen to me. So, I’m here…I’m here because I want you and I’ll take you in whatever way you’ll allow me.” Holly took a deep breath and waited on Gail to take that in. She wasn’t sure which way this would fall. She wasn’t sure how serious Gail was about Kate. She hated herself for doing this, but she couldn’t help it. She loved the blonde.

Gail stood there, shocked into silence. That was not what she expected. “What about… well, I mean… your job, Holly.” The blonde was at a total loss.

“I’ll quit.” Holly didn’t even have to think about it. If it were the job or Gail, she’d choose Gail every time. She chose wrong the first time, she knew that. “I had the choice before and I chose wrong, Gail. I’m here because I was wrong.“ She sighs deeply. “Look. Why don’t you think about this? Okay? Don’t make a decision right now. We’re both super emotional and this is a lot. I’m sorry. I know I did this… but, think about it? Please?” Holly asked quietly as she walked up to Gail entirely. She was so close to the blonde and there was a tug on her heart being this close. 

Gail looked into Holly’s eyes and could see only sincerity staring back at her.

“I’ll need some time, Holly. This isn’t what I expected. Ever. I thought I was just fun and that I’d ruined any shot I had to become more. Along the way, I did meet Kate and I don’t know where that is going right now, but I do need to talk to her, too. I owe her that much.” Gail swallowed, willing Holly to accept the request. 

“Of course. I know this was a lot and it seems like it’s out of the blue. Honestly, your call sped up the process, but I was planning to come back anyway as soon as I could. I had hoped I would be in time to salvage something between us, but of course someone else saw how amazing you are. She’s got great taste.” Holly smiled sadly as she admitted her plans. 

“You have to know, Holly… I love you. Nothing about that has changed. I know things are weird and I don’t know where we’ll end up, but never doubt that those feelings were and are real. It’s just, well, sometimes it isn’t enough. I just don’t know. I need some time to figure it out.” Gail held her palms out, open to show her willingness to engage openly. 

The brunette nodded. She understood what Gail meant. There had been so much misunderstanding and damage, they may not make it back to anything other than friends. However, if that was all she could have, she’d take it. She cared enough about the blonde in front of her to give her that. “I understand, Gail. Take all the time you need. Would it be okay if we stayed in contact? Not to rush you, just to keep the lines of communication open.” Holly waited quietly as Gail studied her.

“Yes. Absolutely. I need to talk to Kate before I do anything, but I won’t freeze you out again, I promise. That was the old Gail. No matter what this is, I’ll be more mature this time, I promise. It was my immaturity that ultimately landed us here.” She held up her hand to stop the argument on the brunette’s lips. “No, it is. Yes, you could have told me, but honestly, I’ve always felt like I wasn’t enough and hearing Lisa say it would likely have resulted in me running anyway. It took a lot of therapy for me to get to that realization, though. I wasn’t ready then.” Gail admitted quietly.

Holly took it all in, understanding just how much work had put in to be more mature and ready. “You’re amazing, Gail. Please know that if we can’t move beyond this and all we ever are is friends, then I’d still be proud of you my life. You don’t need to do anything to be worthy. You never did. You ARE good enough. For anyone in the world. I do respect the work you’ve put in, but don’t think you need to do anything to DESERVE me. You were enough then and you’re enough now.” Holly smiles a little and nods a bit. “I should be going. I know I’ve wrecked your evening and put you in a horrible situation. I’m sorry. Will you… text me? Call me? I just want to know you’re okay later.” The doctor asked meekly as she slowly made her way to the door with Gail following. 

“Yeah, of course! I promised you. Holly… thank you. Thank you for telling me. No matter what happens, it’s never bad to hear that someone loves you. I love you, too.” Gail smiled sadly, her eyes watering a little as she opened the door for Holly. She didn’t know what the future would bring, she was just hoping this wasn’t the last time she saw the woman. She didn’t know if Holly would actually stay as she’d said, so she knew she needed some time to figure it all out.

Holly quickly stepped forward and hugged Gail. She didn’t try to push it, she just hugged her tightly for a moment. “We’ll talk soon. Good night, Gail.” Holly walked down the sidewalk and turned back to stare at Gail for a moment before she got into her rental and slowly pulled away.

“Well, shit.” Gail said to the nighttime.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well shit, indeed.

Gail shuffled back into her house, locked the door and then went directly to her freezer and pulled out some bourbon. The blonde then took the bottle and a glass (she had grown, she used a glass now) and sat down on her couch. She looked around at the rumpled pillows from her almost tryst with Kate and sighed deeply. This day had not gone how she thought it might. Honestly, it’d gone so far off the rails, Gail wasn’t sure there were rails.

After pouring and drinking one small glass of the dark brown liquor, she sighed wearily and pulled out her phone. As much as she wanted to be alone with her thoughts, she owed Kate a call. The old Gail would have gotten drunk and gone to bed. She kind of missed that Gail a little. Just a little. However, she was trying to be a functional adult, so she went to her favorites and tapped on Kate’s picture.

She did not have to wait long for an answer. What she didn’t expect was the amount of noise in the background. She could hear music and all sorts of people. What she couldn’t hear was Kate. She was unsure if it was because of the background noise or if the woman simply hadn’t spoken.

“Kate?” Gail ventured slowly, not bothering to hide her confusion. She waited a beat to see if the other woman was aware she was actually on the phone.

“Gail.” The word was clipped, unlike any way she’d ever heard the other woman utter it. Gail wasn’t sure what to make of the new turn of events, so she just sat there quietly to let Kate set the pace. Obviously, she wasn’t dealing with this in the healthiest of ways.

There was a long pause and then she heard the background noise getting quieter. Kate must have left the room she was in. Was she at a bar or a party? 

“That was quicker than I thought it would be. I guess I thought I’d hear from you tomorrow.” Kate wasn’t herself, that much was obvious. Her voice had a disconnected quality and the words were slightly slurred. Gail looked at the clock. She’d been with Holly for less than an hour, so Kate would have had to go directly to a bar to be this unhinged that quickly. Her brow furrowed almost comically, and her head tilted.

“Are you drunk?” She asked curtly, her tone stony. While she recognized the situation today had been a little crazy, she certainly had managed to keep a cool head. Dear god, she sighed internally, is this how her friends had felt when she was dealing poorly? Is this how HOLLY had felt? She shook her head a bit. She certainly owed some apologies.

“Well, maybe. I don’t know. I’m not… not drunk.” Kate nodded her head at her affirmation. She wasn’t fully drunk, but she wasn’t entirely sober. She congratulated herself on speaking. She was beginning to regret her choices as she listened to her clearly not still with Holly girlfriend. Her girlfriend who sounded clear headed and had dealt with her conversation quickly and held up her end of the bargain to call Kate.

“So, you left my place and went directly…?” She let the question trail off. She wasn’t quite sure what she was asking, or if she wanted to know the answer. She was feeling frustration for the situation. Sure, it had been a shit show all day and she knew she’d enjoy just cutting loose, but she thought they were in this together. She thought she was in an adult relationship, finally. Because she finally felt fully like an adult. This was a somewhat stunning turn of events. When did she become the mature one? 

“Okay. Yes. I left your place and I drove directly to The Twist.” Kate shook her head a little, trying to sober herself up by sheer force of will. She had the distinct impression she had chosen wrong. “I’m sorry. I know how this looks. I just, well, I just didn’t want to be sober for that phone call tomorrow.” She sighed deeply. She had no filter. She was apparently just going to say whatever her brain came up with and damn the consequences.

“You’re drunk at a gay bar?” Gail had to make sure she wasn’t simply hard of hearing. Did her girlfriend just tell her she left her house, drove to the closest lesbian bar and got intoxicated? “You left here and went to a gay bar and you’ve had enough to drink that you’re without filter and slurring?” Gail sounded stilted, almost disbelieving. Didn’t she deserve the benefit of the doubt? She’d been totally honest with Kate the entirety of their relationship. Even when it would serve her better to keep items to herself. “You did this because you…you thought I’d spend the night with Holly and call tomorrow to apologize?” The last part came out sharp. She was becoming furious.

“Gail…” Kate trailed off weakly. Having it detailed back to her so baldly sobered her up a little. “It’s not totally like that.” Except. Except maybe it was. She didn’t think she’d hear from Gail. It’s true. She did assume that Gail would fall into bed with Holly. She had thought the worst of the woman who’d done nothing but try to prove herself to her. She’d been trying to prove herself to Kate, to her friends, to her bosses, to her mother. She’d thrown it all back in Gail’s face. 

“I see.” Gail felt winded as she answered. It didn’t seem to matter what she did. She was always going to be the impetuous slut everyone thought her to be. Why was she working so hard to be better when no one seemed to see it or believe it? Of course, she thought to herself, she was happier. She felt like she was finally coming up for air, for the first time in her life. So, maybe that was all that mattered. It didn’t stop the pain, though. How could Kate think that?

“Gail, wait. No. Just… give me a minute.” Kate knew, at that moment, whatever hope she’d had left with the blonde detective, she’d thrown away on a moment of insecurity. “That came out wrong.” Kate couldn’t come up with a single thing to save her without just lying to Gail. Even then, she knew the woman would know. She was insanely perceptive. “I was just afraid.” She settled there, the words coming out low and scratchy. She was afraid when she had left Gail’s, that was true. And it drove her to be a moron.

“Oh, c’mon. Let’s call this what it was. You assumed I’d be sleeping with Holly tonight, damn the assurances I made to call you. You thought I’d do that to you.” Gail set it without any emotion at all. She felt cold with it. She was angry now. She was angry that she’d worked so hard and it just didn’t matter. “I’m still just that immature slut, right?.” She trailed off hoarsely.

“NO! This is on me. Entirely. Gail. Don’t. Please don’t say that about yourself.” Kate struggled to course correct. No matter what, this isn’t what she wanted. She didn’t want the other woman to tear herself apart as if she’d failed in some way. “You have been honest with me from the first day and you’ve earned my trust. You earned it. I don’t know why… it’s not about you. It’s about me. I mean, I just…” Kate was jittery with remorse. She couldn’t seem to find the words to make this better.

“Really?” Gail laughed without a trace of humor, “You’re going with that? It’s not you, it’s me?” Gail continued laughing until it ended in a snarl. “Give me a break.” She was trying extremely hard to beat back the impulse strike out. To hurt Kate the way she’d been hurt. 

“That’s not what I meant, Gail.” She said plaintively. “I just… I knew. I knew the minute I saw her why she’d come. I could see it in her eyes, it was pouring off her. She was there because she loved you. And I knew she did, of course. Tracy told me so. But I didn’t, I couldn’t fathom until I saw how she looked at you.” Kate was starting to cry a little as she poured her heart out to the blonde. No matter what she felt or could feel for Gail, it was as plain as day what Holly still felt for her.

“Wait.” The tone of Gail’s voice stopped her cold. She’d never heard that tone from the Detective. Kate was running back the tape in her head, trying to figure out what caused that tone.

“What do you mean you knew she loved me? Because Tracy told you so?” Gail’s voice was low, deadly.

Kate instantly understood just how badly she had messed up. She should have told Gail the truth a long time ago. She honestly thought she’d been doing the right thing. Gail was clear she wanted to move on, and this would have thrown her into a tailspin. She’d been working hard to let Holly go. She knew in her bones, she had done it to protect Gail. Somewhere, deep down, though, she knew she’d done it for selfish reasons, too. They weren’t the main motivations, sure, but she couldn’t deny she’d wanted Gail. They were building something. She cared for her. Should she have told her and just cut her losses? These thoughts were pinballing in her head. She had no time to save herself, even if there was an excuse she could give.

“How long have you known?” Gail asked her stonily. She’d never felt this angry before. Her entire body felt like it was burning up from the inside out. Everything she’d thought she’d known was torn apart and thrown into a fire. 

Kate groaned. “I found out about week or so after we started dating.” She admitted quietly. “Gail, I thought I was doing what you wanted. You wanted to move on. With me. What good would knowing have done?” Kate was genuinely torn. She didn’t feel guilty. She hadn’t done it for evil reasons, even with twinges of selfishness. She’d simply done what Gail asked – helped her move on.

“You didn’t think I’d want to know that I was carrying around an unnecessary burden? That I didn’t want to know that maybe I hadn’t destroyed the best thing to ever happen to me? That even in the most basic sense, I didn’t want to know that I wasn’t the monster I made myself out to be?” Gail was frantic. Regardless of what would have happened, she’d have known she didn’t destroy everything with Holly. She’d know she didn’t hurt the brunette beyond repair. God. She’d likely have stayed away still because she had so much to work on, but it would have been light years easier not factoring in destruction she hadn’t caused to the woman she loved.

“No, that’s not fair. How was I to know that? You were adamant you wanted to move on. You were passed the trauma. You can’t put this all on me.” Kate was lashing out now, feeling attacked, feeling marginalized. Did she not matter at all? How was this all her fault now?

“You’re right.” Gail paused. She dug deep, trying to find control in her response. She could feel the chaos tearing at her. “This isn’t something one person did. I played a part. You played a part. Tracy played a part. Hell, even Holly did by not telling me that herself. But Kate, I wasn’t falling asleep in their arms at night. I wasn’t sharing my darkest fears about never being enough with them. You aren’t entirely culpable for the situation, but you abused my trust. What would you want me to say?” Gail asked tiredly. 

The truth damned her. Every argument she thought she might make died in her throat. She made the decision and regardless of motives, she couldn’t deny what Gail was saying. Before they’d started, that night at dinner, they’d said they’d wanted to build a friendship even if they couldn’t forge a romance. So, it stood to reason, at that point, they were still in that phase and she likely could have saved the blonde a lot of pain. She knew how much pressure Gail put on herself. She knew how much she punished herself over hurting Holly. The entire time they’d been together, she’d had the key to helping Gail heal. So, really, when she thought about it, she didn’t know what should expect from Gail. 

“I don’t know, Gail.” She admitted it quietly. She was leaning back against a wall outside the bar. She was fully sober now, no doubt. What had she been thinking? A small, selfish part of her only wished she hadn’t made the decision to come here tonight. If she’d been home and sober, she wouldn’t have blurted it all out. She realized how selfish that was and sighed deeply. “I don’t have an excuse and I’m just… I’m so sorry. Regardless of my reasons, I can see now how much this must hurt you.” Kate admitted tiredly. She was feeling all the drinks and dancing now and it wasn’t helping her muddled mind.

Gail was totally silent. She didn’t have anything to say right now. She felt her eyes beginning to prick with tears and she didn’t want to cry on the phone. She swallowed around the lump in her throat. “I think I’m going to go.” Her tone had calmed down now, but not in the good way that usually was her realizing her venom had gotten he better of her and she needed to calm down. No, now, she just felt defeated. “I think if we keep talking, we’re both going to say something we regret.” Her tone was listless.

“Gail, I don’t want to leave this until tomorrow.” She knew she had no right to say it, but she didn’t want to try to sleep with this weight on her chest. 

“If you want to finish this tonight, you won’t like the result.” Gail wasn’t feeling charitable. She’d thrown herself on her sword for everyone, including the woman on the phone. She was kind of tired of it. “I’m not feeling very positive about you, Kate.” She grumbled out, starting to feel angry again. 

Kate took a deep breath. Did she want to push this right now? Could she get through to Gail or would it just blow up (further) in her face? Exhaling loudly, she nodded to herself. “Okay. I get that. I really do. But Gail, can we try again tomorrow? At least let me explain when I haven’t had a vat of vodka?” To even request it was absurd, but she had to try.

Another humorless laugh sounded down the line and Kate closed her eyes. Just as she went to speak again, the door beside her opened and she knew this was going to be a train wreck, but she had no way to stop it.

“Hey, babe…you coming back in to finish what you started?” A very feminine, very not Gail voice asked Kate. This sounded so much worse than it was, but she knew without a doubt, it wouldn’t matter to Gail. Given everything else, this would be the straw that broke the camel’s back. Never mind it was just some intense dancing, it sounded a lot worse.

“Gail.” Kate whispered urgently.

“Goodbye, Kate.” She heard a dial tone and she raised her eyes skyward, tears immediately forming. “Yeah, not a good time.” She indicated, not nicely, to the woman in front of her. She was blonde, like Gail, and she’d been dancing with her as she’d been drinking. She was simultaneously torturing herself thinking of Gail with Holly and trying to forget by dancing with a beautiful woman. Her hands were probably freer than they should have been, but she knew Gail would never believe her that nothing else had happened. This was a nightmare. She couldn’t wake up.

Gail hung up the phone and set the device down on the coffee table. She stared at it for a moment without understanding what had just happened. That was a lot to take in in roughly 10 minutes. She had to think. 

Holly still loved her. Scratch that. It was brand new information to her entirely. While she’d known, by the end, she loved Holly, she didn’t know that was returned. Tracy had known the entire time and kept it from her. Was her friend protecting her or Holly? Or both? Why wouldn’t she have said that to her?  
Kate knew. Kate, who had been with her on a healing journey, had withheld the antidote she’d needed for her broken heart. Holly had shown back up, declared her love and said she was coming back. Then Kate had gone to a gay bar and done…Gail didn’t know what. Did it matter to her? The blonde detective stood up and scrubbed at her face, trying desperately to get her wits together. 

What was she supposed to do now? She glanced down at her phone. Debating. Should she call someone? Maybe Holly? Not Kate. Tracy? She sighed and shook her head, grabbed her phone and locked up for the night. Perhaps she should just sleep on it and try to figure it out when she wasn’t as raw and hurt. 

Gail stopped in front of her bed and took a moment to collect herself. As she looked at the bed. She had a moment of longing so powerful it nearly knocked her off her feet. Yes. Today had sucked and she felt vulnerable in a way she hadn’t in a long time. However, one small fact was blaring in her head and heart when she let herself just stop. 

Holly loved her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this chapter. I'm still flying a little blind having never written before, but appreciate the feedback.


	6. Chapter 6

The god-awful noise from her nightstand woke her up out a sound sleep. She reached out and grabbed her phone to silence it with a groan. Gail stretched in her bed and slowly rolled her shoulders a bit, her eyes stubbornly refusing to open. God, it was early. However, she knew she needed to get her run in before heading to the precinct. She was not looking forward to seeing Kate and imagined that was a mutual feeling. The events of last night came slamming back into her and despite getting good sleep, she was dreading her day. She groaned again and stood up, meandering into her walk-in closet to grab her running gear and then changed. Normally she’d shower, but she just felt too tired to shower, run and shower again, no matter how amazing the steaming hot water felt.

Gail walked downstairs adjusting her arm band to hold her phone. She stopped in her kitchen and quickly ate a banana and began to stretch before her run. The routine felt good to her for some reason. It was like, if just one thing could be normal, she’d feel comfortable in her own skin again. Sure, things were going to have to be dealt with – both Kate and Holly were awaiting word from her. She grimaced a little thinking of those conversations. Oh well, it had to be done.

Gail carefully stuffed her earbuds into her ear, turned on her music and left the house, locking it behind her. She decided to run her favorite route today, jogging by the lake near her house. As her feet pounded the pavement, she began to ponder her situation. Regardless of what may or may not happen with Holly, after the revelations last night, she knew she couldn’t continue to see Kate. If she was being honest, she knew that before the drunken shit show she encountered. The bottom line was that one phone call with Holly had rendered her dysfunctional. To find out that Kate was likely still in love with Rachel should have been enough on top of that. But, oh no, crazy hormonal Gail had resurfaced, and they’d almost done something they couldn’t walk back. She’s so thankful they were stopped. The reason why was still insane to Gail. Holly. Her nerd had flown from CA to see her, within hours of hearing from her for the first time in months. She instinctually began to run faster, her heart pounding for competing reasons. 

She ran her 10 kilometers faster than her best time. She glided up the steps to her front door with a smile on her face. She knew that she’d likely have some bumps today at work, but she felt better than she had since that night in the locker room when they’d both lobbed unintended grenades onto their newly repaired relationship. Sophie and San Francisco had been a one two punch. They simply couldn’t unring either bell. But now? Now she knew she hadn’t hurt Holly beyond redemption. Not only that, the woman had loved her. She had loved her then and she still loved her now. It was time to see what they’d be going forward. She had her doubts that Holly would stay. Or come back. Whatever it was. She knew she needed to allow some time to see what would happen. If Holly came back, that was a different conversation, but for now, she knew they’d have to take their time and begin back at one: friends.

Gail quickly took a shower and got dressed for work. Knowing she was likely going to encounter Kate early in the day, she dressed in her normal “do not mess with me” armor. Black skinny jeans, charcoal v neck with her trusty combat boots. She certainly wasn’t the normal Detective, but she was killing it and she knew it. She attached her shield and holstered her gun and then threw on her black leather jacket. Once she decided she looked sufficiently terrifying, she grabbed her keys and made the drive to work.

Gail parked beside Dov’s car and walked into the precinct with a grimace. She turned the corner and ran directly in Traci. 

“Hey! Gail!” Traci was clearly nervous. Gail didn’t know if it was because of Holly showing up or the bomb Kate dropped on her last night. Gail regarded her coolly, tilting her head slightly. It amazed her that the simple action propelled people to provide words. It was like a secret weapon for interrogations. Immediate confessions.

“So. Holly came back.” It was upon closer inspection of her friend that Gail realized she was excited. Traci was excited that Holly had shown up. And with the giant smile on her fellow detective’s face, Gail knew she couldn’t be mad at her. Looking back over her time with Kate, Traci had been nice, but not involved. When Gail was dating Holly, Traci had bonded with the doctor. When Gail had a late shift, the two could often be found together. So, she knew the breakup had been hard on the woman and that she had likely felt trapped in the middle since. So, while she’d rather have known how Holly felt, she couldn’t be mad at her friend.

“Yeah, it was quite the surprise. Especially interrupting me on the couch with Kate.” Gail wasn’t mad, but it didn’t mean she wasn’t still a little petty. She leveled Traci with a hard look. 

Tracy immediately took a healthy step back. She knew that look and it never meant anything good. “Gail! C’mon! I didn’t know until it was too late. That shouldn’t be a call!” Traci was slowly backing away, roughly jabbing the elevator button. Only… shit. Gail was going with her. She smiled as sweetly as she could now. “Would it have made a huge difference?” She asked in a panic.

Gail kept the game going for a few more seconds, enjoying the terror. Okay, so, she’d grown up, but she was still Gail Peck. She had to cultivate a healthy fear. She finally laughed and smiled at Traci.

“I’m kidding. Aren’t you glad Holly actually showed up last night so you didn’t just blow the entire lead?” Gail smirked and stepped into elevator, waiting for Traci, who was shaking her head. “You’re too much.” Gail chuckled and pushed the button for their floor.

Traci turned to her shortly after the doors closed. “So, what DID happen? I was curious all night. I don’t think I slept at all.” 

Gail took a deep breath. “Trace, it’s going to be a long story. Want to get settled and go grab some coffee?” The blonde asked as they exited to their floor. Upon closer approach to their desks, she spotted Steve milling about. Of course he was there. He was like a bloodhound for gossip.

“Well, well. If it’s not my beautiful girlfriend and my baby sister. What a fine morning!” She could see the gleam in his eyes, and she rolled her eyes. Pillow Talk. Jesus. 

“Okay, come get coffee with us. I’m only going to tell this dumpster fire story one time. I mean it.” She set her things down, including her wallet. “You’re buying, Brother.” She smiled sweetly at him as she walked by.

“How in the hell did that happen?” He asked Traci who just laughed and followed the blonde detective. With a long-suffering sigh, Steve followed the two women down the hall. How he wound up head over heels in love with one of his sister’s friends, he’d never know. Now they constantly formed an alliance against him. 

Once the trio sat down with coffees, 2 sets of eyes turned to Gail. She rolled her eyes. 

“Okay. I’m assuming Traci filled you in, so I’ll spare you the buildup. Last night, Kate and I were having dinner to discuss my phone call to Holly. Turns out, Kate is still kinda hung up on Rachel and vice versa. I was trying to give her an out, knowing the possibility of us surviving was the same chance as McNally marrying Oliver.” She sighed and shook her head. “However, even knowing that, she wanted to keep fighting, and by fighting, I mean with each other’s clothes. We were… uh… getting down and dirty when Holly showed up. Holly tried to leave, then Kate left, Holly stayed and we talked, Holly left, Kate apparently went to do god knows what at a gay bar and here I am.” She exhaled, already exhausted.

Traci and Steve sat there stunned. Oh god, where to start?

“You were getting down and dirty?” Traci asked, wide eyed. “I didn’t think that’s what you meant. Oh god, Gail. Holly showed up in time, right?” She asked indelicately.

Gail snorted, coughing as coffee burnt her mouth. “Jesus, Trace. I’m not 12. But yes, she got there in time to protect my honor.” Gail shook her head. 

“So much here to unpack, but let’s expedite. How did the conversation with Holly go?” Steve asked quickly. He’d never seen Gail as miserable as she was when the doctor left. What kind of brother would he be if he didn’t look out for his baby sister? 

“Well, apparently, Holly might love me.” Gail smiled dreamily a little but got herself under control quickly. Yes, she was growing, but she wasn’t about to expose her underbelly here. 

Steve beamed at Gail. His smile was huge. “Well, duh. You are THE Gail Peck. Of course she loves you.” He added cheekily, but his smile gave him away. He was ecstatic to hear that. Not that he didn’t know, he just didn’t know if Holly would ever tell her.

“Shut up, Steven. She wants to come back and try again if I’ll let her.” Gail sighed a bit. Traci and Steve both looked oddly at her when she sighed. That wasn’t the sound of someone over the moon.

“Why don’t you sound thrilled?” He asked before Traci could get a word in.

“She left, Steve. She loved me then, allegedly, and she left anyway. What has changed? What would make her stay this time?” Gail pondered seriously, looking at her friends. She needed them to help her unpack her head. She was insanely happy Holly was back (maybe, her brain reminded her) and loved her. That is the type of thing she expected only happened in the garbage movies Chloe and McNally watched. She wasn’t the romcom type and hadn’t had great luck in the love department. So, this was a development she could have never anticipated.

Steve looked at his girlfriend and raised his eyebrows at her. Traci nodded at him and turned back to her friend. She had to do this for both, she had to break the rules and give them a nudge.

Gail cocked her head at the exchange and sat waiting. What did they know? She knew a conspiratorial look when she saw one.

“Gail, the difference really isn’t all that hard to figure out. She has been miserable without you. She knows what it’s like to live without you and she has chosen to come back. She’d rather have you. That’s the difference.” Traci said firmly, willing Gail to understand. She didn’t want to give up ALL of Holly’s secrets, but she could tell that Gail needed the push. While she’d matured quite a bit in the last year or so, Gail was still Gail. She could and would jump out of the tree.

“What about the next job offer? What if it’s in NYC this time and it’s too good to pass up?” Gail wanted desperately to accept what Traci was saying to her, but she was trying to be less impulsive. Okay, and, she was terrified. 

Traci sighed. She knew this would be what Gail would need, but it was probably going to get her killed by the good doctor. “She tried the break her contract within 2 weeks, Gail. She got there and knew she’d made a mistake. I don’t want to tell you everything, that’s up to Holly, but she tried to walk away immediately to come back to you.” Traci said it softly, knowing Gail had to take it in without pressure. Prickly Peck indeed. No amount of therapy could change the gruffness of her blonde friend.

“Why didn’t she then? God, Trace! I’ve been going INSANE for months. Why didn’t she just come home? Why didn’t EITHER of you TELL ME?” Gail half yelled as she stood up quickly. She felt elated and angry and confused and betrayed and euphoric all at once. She couldn’t compute what she’d heard. 

Traci stayed sitting even as Steve jumped up to settle his sister. “C’mon Gail. Sit down and talk about this. Don’t be a pansy.” He knew he had to act quickly to disarm the Gail Bomb. 

“Oh shut up.” Gail sat down petulantly, glowering at Traci. Steve quickly sat down and gestured for them to continue.

“She didn’t come back right away because she couldn’t without major issues. There were issues here with getting her job back and issues with her professional reputation being threatened. She needed a plan to get back before she came to you and laid it all out for you. She was going to go all boombox above her head, but she wanted to have something ready to go. You may have expedited that process by making that call, but the plan remains the same. She wants YOU. But you really need to stop asking me the questions and start talking to the woman you very clearly still love.” Traci threw it at her friend directly, knowing she had to be firm with a defensive Gail.

Gail sighed and visibly deflated a little. That made sense. She was still a little salty that no one clued her in, and it could have prevented the entire debacle with Kate she now had to figure out how to deal with. But, yeah, it made some sense if she stepped away. Not a lot of sense. But at least some sense.

“Okay. You’re right. I’m sorry.” Gail admitted a bit peevishly.

Steve looked shocked and Traci just grinned in triumph. Pecks: 0, Nash: 1.

“Just like that?” He could barely form words. He’d never seen Gail accept defeat and apologize so quickly without middle fingers. His sister was finally growing up! Holy Shit.

“Yes, doofus. Just like that. She’s right.” Gail rolled her eyes at her ginger brother. She quickly grinned at them a little evilly. “But, you know, I have a good memory and you both clearly withheld information from me. Don’t mistake this act of contrition for a fully changed Gail.” She stood up and began to walk off, leaving them both a little worried for their health.

Gail was smiling until she got to the elevator bank again and the door opened to reveal Kate. Kate who looked like hell and met her gaze fearfully. The smile slid off her face. She didn’t want to deal with THIS right now, but it looked like it was going to happen anyway. Gail cleared her throat. “Good morning.” She offered guardedly. 

“Hey. Good morning. Can we talk?” Kate asked unsurely. She wasn’t planning on doing this before copious amounts of coffee, but now that they had seen each other, she knew it had to happen. 

Gail nodded and motioned for Kate to follow her outside. She didn’t need all of 15 up in her business. It was going to be bad enough when they all found out Holly was back. She groaned inwardly thinking of the million questions she’d get from Princess Sunshine and McNally. She quickly shoved that all to the back of her mind as they made it outside and sat on a bench in the back, slightly away from prying eyes. Kate did not sit close to Gail as she normally would. She sat down gingerly and swallowed a lump in her throat.

“So, let me start this by saying that I’m sorry, Gail. I didn’t handle the situation well. From start to finish yesterday, I handled it all very poorly. I’m sorry for how I told you about my call with Rachel. I’m sorry for then almost jumping you when I knew you were hurting and confused. I’m sorry I left your house and went to get drunk, not giving you the benefit of the doubt. I treated you just like everyone else has…I never wanted to be one of them. And I’m sorry for dancing with another woman. I swear to you, it was only dancing, however I was still reckless, and I know that I hurt you. I’m so sorry.” Kate said it all with obvious sincerity, gazing directly into Gail’s eyes. While she knew they were likely ending on this bench, she wanted desperately to own her mistakes and hopefully make it out with a friend in the blonde detective. At least someday.

Gail studied her quietly for a long moment, taking in the words and how she delivered them. Every inch of her knew Kate was being honest with her, but it didn’t change the damage done. She thought Kate knew that based on her bittersweet half smile, but she needed to figure out how to get this right.

“Thank you. I don’t think I’ve ever received such a sincere apology.” Gail said simply. She meant it. No one had ever laid it out like that and didn’t try to deflect. There wasn’t a single “but” in there. Kate owned it and Gail appreciated that. 

“You know, when I called Holly, I did that for us. I thought if I could just get closure, I’d be able to be fully present in the way you deserved.” Gail admitted quietly. She knew what her choice about this was, regardless of any future she may or may not have with Holly, but she wanted to do this right. She wanted to be a grown up and keep this woman as a friend. “I wanted to be what you needed, in every way, Kate. I couldn’t and I tried to fix it and I’m sorry that this is where it landed us.” Gail implored with her eyes to hear the pain, to understand this wasn’t what she’d wanted for them.

Kate nodded, swallowing heavily. Knowing they would likely end and hearing the words meant to let her down easily weren’t the same thing. Even her confused heart knew that Gail was one of a kind and she’d felt something for her. 

“I want to be clear about something, though, and it’s not meant to make you feel bad. Okay?” Gail asked, knowing she wanted to lay the truth out. They could get it all out, walk away and try to be friends. “I wouldn’t have just left you because Holly showed up. You get that, right? I’m not sure what would have happened, but my intention wasn’t to just immediately drop you. I did talk to her and it was an intense experience, but I would have talked to you.” Gail sighed again and said the last part. “You didn’t trust me.” She delivered it flatly because it really was down to that. “You thought I’d send you away and sleep with another woman. And yes, I know it’s Holly and I NOW know you knew she loved me, but I didn’t know that and I sent you away so I could figure out why she was there.” Gail turned her eyes skyward, unable to watch the tears gathering in Kate’s eyes. “I can’t be with someone who doesn’t trust me. I’ve done it too much and I deserve better.” Gail turned back and looked at the woman carefully. “But I can try to build a friendship with you, if you’re open to it.” Gail held the green eye gaze, wanting Kate to know she was being honest about all of it. She couldn’t allow another romantic partner to second guess her and turn her into the impulsive bad guy when she broke under the pressure.

Kate blinked and the tears hit her cheeks, but she nodded. “I know. I knew that when I walked into that bar last night.” The officer admitted, reaching out to touch Gail’s hand. “I don’t think I thought about it because I don’t know that we could have come back from that discussion regarding Rachel.” She sighed and pulled her hand back. She was now the one looking up to the sky, avoiding this part. “I was just so confused, Gail. I do care for you and despite where we are now, I was trying to build a bridge to a future with us. But. God, but it’s Rachel and I don’t know that I’d ever be able to commit the way YOU deserve. So, I think in my terror over losing you, I made sure I lost you…maybe subconsciously. So, I know, and I understand. I may need a little time, but I’d like to be your friend one day. You’re well worth knowing, Gail Peck.” Watery green eyes sparked a little bit. 

Blue eyes softened in understanding and she nodded. This felt right. “Wow, I should have tried breaking up like an adult a long time ago!” She said cheekily, sniffling a little. She was sad right now, but she knew this was meant to happen. 

“Oh shut up. Stop being so reasonable.” Kate smiled. “I will need to grab some things from your house, if that’s okay. I can get you anything from my place as well.” She added a little shakily. These were the actions to end a relationship and it was sad, no matter what.

Gail nodded and sighed. “Sure. Just let me know when you want to come over.” The blonde stood up and offered her hand to Kate. “Don’t be a stranger. When you’re ready, I’ll be here with a cold beer and some good company.” 

Kate stood up and smiled again. “I’ll hold you to that, Peck.” She stepped forward and pulled the blonde into a quick hug and then stepped back. “See you later.”

Gail watched the woman walk away and took a deep, cleansing breath. She’d taken one step toward figuring out her future. Gail took out her phone and shot a quick text to Holly. Now she needed to see how to handle Holly. Her plan to make Holly prove she was really back was quickly forgotten now that Traci had told her Holly had been planning for months to come back. Now, they just needed to figure out what they’d be. Gail was walking back into the precinct with a small smile on her face. Just as she got inside the building, she got a new message from Holly. _I can’t wait to see you _.__


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They finally talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've never actually written anything like this, so I'm hoping it translates well enough. Full disclosure, I don't know how to work this site, so I appreciate the comments I've gotten, but alas, I do not know how to answer. Thanks for reading!

Gail finished sprucing up her dining room and kitchen, checking the clock. Holly was due to arrive in the next 20 minutes and she needed to keep herself busy and keep her nerves at bay. She honestly didn’t know why she was so nervous – she had all the required information to be relaxed. Holly loved her and had come back for her. She loved Holly and she was now a free agent. It didn’t stop the butterflies from erupting in her chest and she just kind of stopped and thought about that. With a deep sigh, she had to admit that she shouldn’t have even attempted anything with Kate. Her heart never really lurched like it did at the mere idea of seeing Holly in a few minutes. She was dizzy with the anticipation of laying eyes on the doctor. While she was attracted to Kate, and she cared for her, she was not in love with her in any way. Hindsight is a bitch.

The doorbell rang and instead of wondering who it could be this time, she knew it was her soulmate on the other side of the door. It was time to see what they could become. Gail took a deep breath, pressed play on the music system and went to open the door. As soon as she opened the door, she saw a bouquet of wildflowers and a smiling Holly. Her heart nearly beat out of her chest seeing her favorite flowers coming from the only person to ever remember them. “Hi.” Gail smiled warmly at the woman and stepped aside, graciously taking the flowers. Holly just smiled warmly and made her way inside, taking more of a moment to look around at the new home of the woman she loved. 

“This really is a nice place. I didn’t get to really take it in last time.” She smiled again at Gail. “And you look beautiful, Gail.” Holly’s voice was low and genuine with the compliment. Her eyes were on fire looking at the blonde detective she’d been missing for months. She didn’t really know what to expect tonight, but she couldn’t help but be hopeful that Gail had reached out at all. She was curious if the woman from the other night was still in the picture and what that might mean for her hopes. 

Gail blushed beautifully at the compliment and bit her bottom lip nervously. “Thank you. So do you. I can’t believe you’re here!” The blonde motioned with her head for Holly to follow her. “Let’s go put these in water and then we can sit down to eat.” Gail easily made her way to the kitchen and took out a vase for the flowers and quickly put them in water. She smiled again at the sight of them.

Holly stood quietly by the island, wondering what she should be doing. She felt at home and nervous at the same time. It must be the paradox of being with Gail, but a new Gail in a new place. “Something smells really good.” Holly eyed the pots on the stove and her smile became even softer. “It seems you’ve picked up some new habits in my absence.” Holly was truly proud of Gail. The old Gail would live off cheese puffs, take out and tequila. This Gail cooked and served wine and had a vase. Holly hoped this new Gail still had a place for Holly in her life. She felt a ramble coming on and took a deep breath. She didn’t want to blow this so early on. She needed to be calm. 

Gail looked up at the frozen woman and smiled again at the compliments. “Thanks. I figured, you know, I should grow up a bit.” She smirked at Holly devilishly. “Perhaps lure a Doctor into my house.” Blue eyes twinkled at Holly and the brunette couldn’t help but smile in return, feeling more relaxed. Clearly, she wasn’t opposed to Holly being here. That had to be a good sign, right? Or, was she just being flippant? They’d once been friends and joked constantly about things like this. What if this was Gail’s way of easing her into a friendship? Holly felt a lump in her throat.

Gail watched the emotions play out on Holly’s face and she knew what kind of ramble the doctor could begin, even in her own head. She had to put a stop to this somehow. So, she slowly strolled over to the seemingly frozen doctor. Holly glanced up as Gail came to a stop in front of her. Gail was smiling and Holly tilted her head, still curious and off balance. The blonde shook her head, stepped into Holly’s personal space, carefully cupped both of her cheeks and pulled her into a soft kiss. 

The moment their lips touched, Holly sucked in a breath and Gail gasped. The energy shot through both women at their reconnection. Gail stayed close as Holly wrapped her arms around Gail’s shoulders, pulling her closer and kissing the blonde with every bit of emotion she had, trying to apologize and to tell her how much she was loved and had been missed. 

Eventually Gail pulled back, but her eyes stayed closed. “I’ve been waiting to do that for months, Holly.” Gail admitted sweetly and finally opened her eyes to stare into stunned brown eyes.

Holly grinned brightly and took a deep breath. “Me too. God, I’ve missed you.” Holly admitted, her heart in her eyes, open to Gail completely. She still didn’t make a move forward again, but she was calmer now and Gail felt they could eat and talk now without the good doctor hyperventilating.

Gail wrapped her hand around Holly’s and pulled her backwards with a smirk. “Come on, let me feed you and we can talk.” Gail, while still nervous, felt comfortable and she was looking forward to figuring this out.

Holly followed easily and they took a seat at what Holly realized was a very nicely set table. The food looked amazing, there was even wine and candles. Gail gallantly pulled out a chair for Holly and let her get settled. She then settled close to Holly, glad she had the forethought to set the space on the corner and not across from Holly. She felt the burning need to just be close to the brunette. 

Holly couldn’t stop smiling like the village idiot and she couldn’t bring herself to care. She was home. She’d never thought Toronto would be her home. It was cold here. She hated being cold. And yet. She was home because the woman sitting next to her would always be home.

Gail ate quietly for a few moments and then set her fork down, picking up her wine glass and casually watching Holly. Holly hadn’t changed too much. She was still the warm, odd, gorgeous woman Gail fell for, but there was something there. Something had changed within Holly and it looked incredibly good on her. “So, are you wondering why I invited you here?” Gail ventured cheekily, clearly knowing how nervous Holly was.

Holly smirked and set her fork down, mirroring Gail by picking up her wine. “Of course not. I couldn’t possibly be curious.” Holly sassed her and took a sip, enjoying the quiet of the moment. She decided, based on her home epiphany, she needed a bold opening. “Gail. I love you. I made a mistake by leaving and I wish to god I could take it all back.” Holly paused catching Gail’s eyes turning more serious. The blonde leaned forward, listening attentively. This new Gail before her had focus and it was in every inch of her. “I knew it was a mistake a week into being in San Francisco and tried to figure out how to get back here. I spent every minute of every day wishing only for you. I had hoped you’d reach out sooner and we could rebuild while I figured out a plan to get back to you.” Holly paused again and took a deep breath. “Months passed and I knew the risk of waiting to tell you, but I just kept working at my plan. But. You called me and told me you had a new someone and all that careful planning, well, it crashed and burned. Because you, we’re, you’re my plus 1 and I couldn’t wait another moment to tell you that that’ll always be true. It’s only you. It will only ever be you if you give me another chance. Or, you know, even if you don’t. Because that’s just the truth.” Holly kept her eyes connected to Gail, willing her body not to lunge for the blue-eyed woman sitting stunned before her. She was so afraid of the answer, so she just wanted to hold her until she could convince the woman that her words were true.

Gail was absolutely stunned. She thinks her mouth even dropped open. She knew Holly loved her because Holly had never lied to her. But she didn’t understand it fully until now. She’s so glad Traci forced the issue. It would be nice if she remembered words, but Holly had just stolen her breath and her words. “Hol.” She got only that out and continued to watch the brunette who’d just laid herself bare in front of her. Watching closely, Gail could see the fear in Holly’s eyes, she was waiting for a rejection. 

“Jesus. You sure know how to make a girl cry, Stewart.” Gail uttered hoarsely. “I don’t know what to say, Holly.” She spoke unsurely because having words would be nice, but she can’t find them. Years of school and vocabulary and nothing. 

Holly slumped back, defeat curving her spine. “I understand, Gail. I know it was a lot. Of course it was. I’m sorry I’m so… I’m sorry.” Holly was rambling in her pain and tried to take the pressure off the woman she loved. She’d done this to them. She’d left her. She hadn’t stayed, just like everyone else. She shouldn’t even. Oh holy fuck!

Holly’s eyes slammed shut as she felt a pair of lips crash into her own. This wasn’t a light kiss; this was instant fire. Gail’s hands were in her hair, dominantly pulling her close, opening her mouth and swallowing the moan straight from Holly’s mouth. 

Gail cursed her sudden muteness, but really, it was Holly’s fault. How to make it better. She did it the only way she knew how, her lips meeting Holly’s in a bruising kiss. She had to make it stop, she couldn’t watch the woman she loved in anguish. She felt the lips under hers part as she requested entrance. Holly moaned into her mouth and it was all Gail needed to push forward, her body straddling Holly’s lap and she felt those beloved tanned hands gripping around her hips, surrendering to whatever Gail wanted.

Holly was instantly on fire, holding the blonde in her lap as she accepted the kiss. Gail was kissing her so hard and deeply, she felt fuzzy. It was everything she’d needed for months and she suddenly sobbed in relief. She thought it’d make Gail stop, but it didn’t, it made her pull Holly closer to her, as if trying to prove how she felt with just this kiss. 

Gail could feel herself losing control. She’d thought she knew how tonight would play out. Fleetingly, she remembered thinking they’d agree they wanted to date but taking it slow would be best. She thought they’d not get to that point for hours and they’d have a quiet good night kiss, still tentative in this new reality. False. 

Gail hadn’t allowed her control to totally slip in months. She’d locked everything in a box the moment Holly left and worked on getting control of her life. She’d made huge strides in all the adulty areas, but in this one instance, she had no resistance in her. She wanted this and she was going to have it, logic be damned. 

Holly gasped as she felt the blonde’s hands going for the bottom of her shirt, intent clear as she worked it upwards, never breaking the kiss she had engaged. Holly moaned urgently, her own hands going down to help Gail pull her shirt up. God, she didn’t think this would happen, but now that it was happening, her body and heart betrayed her sensible mind. 

They had to separate to allow Holly’s shirt pass. Gail maintained eye contact and reached down, pulled her own shirt off, too, challenging the brunette. She smirked as the fabric hit the floor. She didn’t have to wait long to see if Holly would bite.

Holly felt her patience snap. She stood quickly, cupping under Gail’s ass to carry her as she moved them to the closest wall and she sealed her mouth heatedly over the blonde’s. Gail whimpered as she felt herself pressed against the wall. Her mind was spinning, the heat spreading down her belly quickly. How had she lived without this feeling? This was wildfire. It was everything they’d always had but multiplied with the feeling of absolute certainty that this was right. 

Gail pulled back and moaned deeply when she felt those familiar hands fondling her expertly, teasing her nipples. Holly trailed kisses down the side of Gail’s neck, nipping right where she knew would make Gail melt. She wasn’t disappointed as the blonde gripped at her, tightening the legs which wrapped around her waist. “Jesus Holly…” She moaned it, unable to stop herself.

“I want you, Gail.” Holly looked into her eyes, breathing heavily. She needed to know this was what Gail really wanted.

Gail tightened her hold around Holly and leaned in to kiss her softly. “Take me to bed.” She said on a breath before kissing Holly again. Every bit of the hesitation she’d felt while dating Kate floated away. The very thing that had kept her from giving herself to Kate was suddenly vividly clear. She wasn’t the woman currently destroying her very world as they kissed again deeply. She belonged to Holly, always had. 

Holly stepped back and let Gail lower herself to the ground. She pulled her close, kissing her, leading them to what she hoped was the bedroom. Her fingers worked deftly as they stumbled backwards, releasing Gail’s bra and Gail suddenly groaned and pushed Holly against the couch. She kissed Holly deeply as she felt steady hands on her now bare breasts. Holly broke the kiss and panted for breath as she felt Gail’s hands moving quickly to her bra, unhooking it and pulling away to let it drop. Gail roughly pulled away entirely, her mouth moving to envelop a breast, sucking softly, tongue swirling. Holly couldn’t breathe, her body was reacting violently to having the blonde touch her again.

Gail groaned and released a perfect dusky nipple from her mouth. She had to get them to a bed. She refused for their reconnection to happen against a couch. They stumbled backwards again, knocking something off the end table as their mouths refused to stay separated. Gail finally got them to the stairs. She, reluctantly, pulled away and led Holly to her bedroom. She didn’t dare risk tripping. She was determined to have this woman again and a tumble down the stairs would slam the brakes on. Inner Mini Fist Pump for being so smart. 

Holly didn’t bother taking in her new surroundings, her hands making quick work of rest of Gail’s clothing. She didn’t have to wait for this to be reciprocated as Gail was just as desperate as her. She was standing naked in from of the woman she loved. Her heart started to pound as Gail reached out slowly, the harried moments from before forgotten as they both took in the enormity of this moment. Holly reached out and took Gail’ hand, pulling her close and kissing her softly as she slowly pushed Gail down onto the bed. Holly’s body followed Gail, her hand behind her head, kissing her as gently as she’d ever kissed anyone. She loved every bit of this woman. She’d been well and truly wrecked. There really would never be another. Just this woman. She pulled back and gazed down at hazy blue eyes. “I love you.” It was all she had in that moment and she held her breath, hope flowing in her blood.

“I love you too, Holly. So much.” Gail uttered into a charged silence. And then her world ground to a halt again as she felt those lips take her own in kiss heavy with possession and intent.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

Gail woke early the next morning with a smile on her face. She felt warm, bare skin against her back and soft breaths on her neck. She smelled the jasmine from Holly’s hair as she took a deep cleansing breath. She couldn’t help her giddiness as she slowly turned in Holly’s arms as the brunette slowly woke up, also smiling. 

“Mmmm. Is this a really good dream?” Holly whispered softly, tightening her arms around the blonde currently nestled in them. Her entire body was sore in the best way possible and she couldn’t stop smiling. Gail was here in her arms and the rest of the world could go down in flames as far as she was concerned.

“If it is, I think we’re having it together.” Gail admitted, leaning forward to place a soft kiss on Holly’s waiting lips. The blonde smiled into the kiss and pulled back to look into the sleepy brown eyes she loved so much. “Although, I think it’s an encore dream. I seem to recall a pretty amazing dream last night, too. It lasted for hours.” Gail smirked and snuggled even closer to Holly. God it felt like nothing she’d ever experienced to be here with this woman. 

“Oh, no. That wasn’t a dream. My entire body is sore. I’ve been waiting to do that for months, Gail. I’ve missed you so much. It was like…my world was black and white after I left you. Last night felt like you poured color back into my world. I love you, Detective.” Holly admitted again, grinning hugely at the blonde still smiling at her.

“I love you, too. I wonder if that’s all I’ll be able to say now. I just want to say it over and over again because I’ve gone too long without saying it.” Gail admitted and leaned down to place a soft kiss against Holly’s pulse point. She grinned when she felt Holly’s pulse jump at the contact. She continued kissing down the perfect olive skin until she reached a collar bone, where she nipped gently.

Holly groaned and tilted her head back to allow Gail more access. “God, you feel so good. It’s never felt like this with anyone else.” She pulled back a little and became serious again. Her hands stroking lovingly up and down Gail’s bare back. “I haven’t been with anyone since you, Gail. Even when we first broke up, I went on a couple of dates, but I couldn’t let myself go. I only want you.” Holly kept her eye contact and then leaned forward to place a chaste kiss on the lips in front of her. 

Gail regarded her quietly and smiled gently. She wondered if Holly was fishing or if she just wanted her to know. “I haven’t either, Nerd. It’s only you. I think I should tell you I did try. With Kate, the woman you met the other night. You actually…well…you interrupted what was likely to be the first and last time with her. I’m so glad, because I didn’t want it, I just wanted to want it? But, what I realized last night… I never could go through with it because I belong to you. I’ve been yours since you kissed me in that coat closet.” Gail smiled at her and then again went to nestle against Holly’s neck. 

Holly let out a deep breath and chuckled. “I wasn’t fishing, you know. It wouldn’t have changed anything if you’d said something different. I won’t lie and say I’m not relieved, but it wouldn’t have changed anything at all. I might have wiped her touch off of your body, but it wouldn’t have changed anything.” Holly pulled the blonde close again, enjoying simply existing with her. How could she have ever left this? She felt like an idiot because who walks away from this kind of contentment?

“So, should we discuss logistics?” Gail asked suddenly as she was running her hand up and down Holly’s arm, listening to her breath. “I just want to know what you see us doing here, how we do it…when...if you come back.” Gail squeaked the last part, afraid of what Holly might say.

Holly paused at the phrasing, confused. “Gail.” She stopped short, trying to formulate her words.

“I know! I get it. It’s very soon. I just, I guess, I need to know. I need to know where you are and what you want.” Gail was clinging to the brunette, very afraid that Holly would tell her she was going back tomorrow without any firm plans. She was still too afraid to believe this was real.

Holly sat up carefully, pulling the blonde up with her, lifting her chin to look at her as she spoke. She could feel the fear coming off Gail in waves. “Gail. Listen to me.” Blue eyes were shyly studying the bed spread and Holly waited patiently for Gail to find the bravery to look up. Once blue met brown, Holly leaned in and kissed her surely. “I’m not going back. Well, WE may go back, because I left my things. But I already told them if they didn’t let me leave, I’d break the contract regardless of the consequences.” Holly spoke slowly, seriously. She needed the blonde to understand how serious she was about this, about them. “They allowed me to leave, so no repercussions…I’ll have to tell you all about that saga at some other point. But the most important thing for you to know is you come first. I won’t be leaving you. I won’t leave unless you ask me to – and Gail – even then, I won’t go far. I’m so, so in love with you. And I know I have a lot to make up for, but I will, I promise I will. Because, you’re my +1 forever, right?” Holly started to ramble at the end, getting lost in the swimming pools of blue floating in front of her.

“I guess you’re going to be with me forever, then, Lunchbox. I’ll never ask you to leave.” Gail visibly relaxed at the first revelation. Holly was staying. 

“Good. But Gail. I mean, you’re right. We should discuss logistics. I realize that I haven’t even asked about…certain things.” Holly got shy all of the sudden, feeling a little foolish. “Are you, er, well…are you still going to be seeing Kate? Did you want to start casual? Or are you, I mean, that got very presumptuous, but you did say you loved me…” Gail cut her off with a kiss again, waiting until she felt the brunette relax. Gail pulled her down back to the pillows again and smiled.

“As adorable as your rambling is, I need you to hear me. It’s only you. We were definitely on our way to a breakup before you showed up, so don’t even think about blaming yourself. She was great and I think we helped each other realize some things. Her heart is somewhere in New York and mine is lying beside me in this bed. I’ll never want to be anywhere else, but here with you. Or anywhere with you.” Gail admitted bravely. “That being said, what do YOU want? Do you want to do casual?”

“No.” Holly stated it quickly and firmly. There was no way she’d even allow the blonde a moment of having to wonder anymore. “You’re all I want. Just you.” 

“Well, then it sound like we’re trying again?” Gail asked with a bit of excitement in her voice. “We’re going to be us again.” 

“Us, but better. Yes. So much yes.” Holly grinned, feeling so happy she could burst. How did she get this lucky? Gail Peck did not do second chances.

“Where will you stay?” Gail asked as she tangled her legs with the brunette.

Holly half chuckled. “I haven’t gotten that far yet. I’ve done this all out of order. I’ll figure it out.” The doctor laughed hard at herself. She was always so composed and put together. One call from Gail and she’d thrown her entire life into the fire. Not a single regret, though.

“You could stay here. You know. If you want. If you’d rather not, that’s fine. I didn’t mean, I mean…” Gail stopped cold. She was talking herself in circles.

“Gail. Slow down. Just say what you want. You can take it all back. I get that this is spur of the moment and a little overwhelming. I mean, I very nearly made love to you on your table, on top of that meal you cooked. I understand the impulse.” Holly rolled Gail slowly onto her back, one hand coming up to caress a porcelain jaw. “Just talk to me.” Holly refused to let her mind run wild. She wanted Gail to have a moment to get herself together.

Blue eyes stared at the woman she loved. What did she want? Did she want Holly here permanently? Was that moving too fast? Was it too slow considering the time they’d lost? Was she mature enough to do this? Would Holly even want to? Maybe she wanted her own space. 

“I just want you, Hols. I don’t care how or when or where. I just want you.” Gail answered honestly. That was all there was to it, right? She’d gone without Holly for months and all she could think, all she wanted, was to be near her. “If you want to stay here, you should. I want you here. If you want to sleep in the spare room, that’s fine too. Or, if you want to stay here and find a place, it doesn’t matter to me. It probably would have mattered to me a year ago – but I find myself just...you’re all I want.” She looked shyly at the brunette, wondering what she’d say to that. It sounded needier than she ever had in her life.

Holly tilted her head and studied the blonde in her arms, considering her words carefully. “How about this? I’ll stay with you. We can put my stuff in the guest room and if we ever find we need it, I have a room. But honestly, I don’t know that I could sleep anywhere alone when you’re there. I want to hold you every night and wake to your cute little grumpy face every morning.” Holly sealed her words with a kiss. She never thought she’d get this opportunity. Gail not only wanted her, she wanted her here. 

Gail smiled so big she felt like a crazy person. Holly was coming home. Not just to Toronto, but to her home. Their home. “You can put things in the guest room, Holly, but I’d just follow you there. I know, this is fast for some, but we’re already in love…and I think we’ve lost enough time.” Gail smiled again and rolled fully onto her back, pulling Holly on top of her. “Do you want to celebrate, Stewart?” She asked huskily as she gazed up into darkening brown eyes.

Holly leaned down to seal her mouth over Gail’s, relieved they were finally on the same page at the same time. They kissed for long moments, simply sharing space and the love between them. What neither of them counted on was the doorbell ringing. Gail groaned. She was off today and Holly literally quit her job to be here. So, what on earth.

Gail sighed and kissed Holly again quickly. “Wait here for me?” She asked while waggling her brows at the doctor. Holly just laughed and settled back against the pillows. “I’ll be right here, Detective.” Gail could barely make herself leave with he vision of all that olive skin against her sheets. 

Gail pulled on a shirt which may have been Holly’s and some sweats she recognized as her own and walked quickly downstairs. She looked around and saw the destruction they’d caused trying to make it from the table to the bedroom. She grinned smugly and went to look through the peephole. Her eyes rolled when she saw her brother and Traci at the door. Of course they’d interrupt her.

She opened the door and looked very unimpressed. “What do you want?” She asked brusquely. She was at her bitchiest because she saw her dreams of returning to bed being washed away with the excited faces in front of her.

“Well, we wanted to see if you wanted breakfast.” Traci said, peering over Gail’s shoulder. She was clearly being nosy. Gail considered making them wait, but she would rather just shock them. She opened the door and let them in. Traci and her brother walked in and looked around and then stared at Gail. “Were you robbed?” Steve asked quickly.

Gail grinned smugly again and walked over to the kitchen to start some coffee. She just waited them out, smiling to herself.

Traci cocked her head curiously. She knew something happened, she just didn’t know who was here with Gail last night. At that moment they heard a muffled sound and a decidedly feminine voice let loose expletives. She was really hoping it was Holly and not Kate, but Gail was unpredictable. Even though she’d grown so much in the last few months, Gail could still jump out of a tree. Or whatever that weird cat metaphor was. 

Just as she was about to ask, they heard someone coming downstairs. Gail turned around and propped on the counter behind her, watching her guests wait to see who emerged. Holly poked her head around the corner and grinned at Traci. 

“HOLLY STEWART!” Traci gasped and smiled. She then turned to Gail. “You’re not as funny as you think you are.” Gail just laughed and started pulling down coffee mugs as Holly walked down and hugged Traci and even Steve.

“I’m back?” Holly just presented as she now walked past her stunned friends and went directly to the blonde. Holly smiled at her with a question in her eyes. 

Gail eyed the doctor who was definitely wearing her shirt and looked adorably rumpled. She tilted her head for a moment in the dead silence and pulled Holly into a not entirely respectable kiss right there in her kitchen. When she pulled back, she just smiled at Holly. “Oh, did I forget to let you know I invited Holly over? Last night?” Gail grinned jovially and pulled the brunette to rest against her. Holly just smirked and looked at Traci and Steve.

“Oh,I have to hear this. Steve. Would you be amazing and go get us breakfast? I’m sure you don’t want the details.” Traci asked, clearly knowing Steve wouldn’t want to know why Holly looked that satisfied. 

The red head stood up abruptly. “On it! You’re 1000% right. I’ll take my time.” He hustled it out after shooting a smile and thumbs up at his baby sister. 

Gail couldn’t stop smiling and it felt as amazing as anything else had in her entire life. She, Traci and Holly all moved to the island and took up station. Traci watched as Gail sat next to Holly and grabbed her hand. “Tell me everything. Wait. No. Not everything. Is this… are you???” She left it hanging.

“Yes.” Answered in unison as they looked at each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay on this. 2020... well, it 2020'd me. I'm hopeful that I'll no longer be living the Upside Down and continue to update more regularly.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The First Day of the New Normal?

Gail continued to think quietly, staying comfortable in Holly’s tanned arms. She knew what she wanted and she didn’t care if it didn’t make sense to the people on the outside of their situation. She’d been missing Holly for months, had never stopped, not even for a moment.

“I want you here if you want to be here. I know it may seem fast to some people, but they don’t know about us. I’ve been wanting you here for months and now that I have you here, I don’t want to be away from you.” Gail finished quietly, lifting her eyes to meet watery brown eyes.

“Are you sure? I am perfectly okay if you want to go slower, there is no pressure. I’ll come back either way, Gail. I’m not looking for promises.” Holly leaned forward and nuzzled her nose against Gail’s to soften any tone that might be perceived. She just didn’t want to scare Gail away.”

“I’ve honestly never been more certain. I’ve missed you so much, Hols. I spent months wishing only to be back in your arms. I’m willing to take a chance here if you’re willing to try with me.” Gail trailed off a bit uncertainly, blue eyes gazing into brown with a clear question.

Holly smiled softly at Gail and slowly leaned forward again, taking her lips is a slow, intentional kiss. “I can’t think of anything I want more, honey. I missed you, too. I missed you, honestly, in a way I never thought possible. It was a physical ache to wake up and know you weren’t there. I can’t even tell you how it felt getting that phone call and wondering if I’d never be here again.” Holly’s eyes watered again and she leaned forward, resting their foreheads together. Both sets of eyes closed at the onslaught of the feeling.

“Holly, I promise you… I’ll be better this time. I love you so much and you’re all I see when I look at my future. I’ll prove it to you.” Gail promised ardently. Holly opened her eyes to look down again. 

“Gail, you don’t have to prove anything to me. You’re all I want, in whatever form you come in. Don’t forget that. I just want you and you’re enough. You’re everything.” Holly spoke the words she knew Gail had never heard before. She knew Gail had never experienced being someone’s first, real, only choice. She watched blue eyes water and tears gather. She leaned forward slowly and kissed the tears from her love’s eyes. “Don’t cry, baby.” 

Gail smiled and rolled them, Holly now nestled under here with a small smile. Gail leaned down to kiss her again and then just smiled down at her. She was utterly happy. 

“Well, now that we’ve established what we want and what we’re going to do, what are your plans for the day? I am off work and available should you need entertainment.” Gail brought her hand up and softly caressed Holly’s jaw.

Holly was still smiling so big she couldn’t stop it. “I don’t have any plans, actually. I was hoping to spend time with this gorgeous blonde I know. Now that I don’t need to look for a place to live, my schedule is even more open. Got any ideas?” Holly wrapped her arms around a pale back and held her softly, loving that she could do this again.

Gail grinned. “Wellllll, first… I have to go jogging.” She grinned at the confused look on the doctor’s face. 

“You’re jogging? I’m naked in your bed and you’re jogging?” The doctor playfully raised an eyebrow at the Detective. “I’m sure we can get our cardio in another way. Besides, I didn’t bring tennis shoes with me.” Holly raised her hands and ran them up the back of short hair, scratching at her scalp.

Gail laughed a little and leaned down to kiss Holly’s nose before rolling off of her. “I have to go jogging. I’m trying very hard to stay in shape and take better care of myself. However, someone once told me a good run could make you very… energetic. So, how about I go do my run, take my shower and then we can finish working out in here together.” Gail smirked and waggled her eyebrows as she stood up in all her glory in front of the brunette.

Holly was dumbstruck looking at the woman she loved. In the daylight, she could see (she only felt last night) the difference in Gail’s body. She was very toned and Holly felt all the moisture leave her mouth and head south. 

Gail raised an eyebrow at the silence from Holly and cocked her head. “Cat got your tongue, Nerd?” She asked with a small laugh. She couldn’t figure out why Holly looked quite so dazed.

“You… well, Gail. Jesus. You’re beautiful. You’re even more gorgeous in the daylight and I didn’t think that was a possibility.” Holly finished, still simply staring at her.

Gail smiled and leaned over to kiss the frazzled doctor. “Thank you. I happen to find you beautiful, too. Now. I’m going to go run and I’ll come back and ravish you all over again. Make yourself at home. I mean, it is your home now, too…” Gail finished and just smiled to herself at that last part. She’d be coming home to someone. No, not just someone. She’d be coming home to the love of her life. 

As Gail left the room to head into her closet, Holly leaned back, snuggling into the comfy bedding. Was this even real life? Had she been in SF 72 hours ago and now she was ensconced in Gail Peck’s bed with a life that included that being a daily thing. She started to giggle a bit at her luck, just as the blonde stepped back out. 

Gail was in her running gear and strapping her phone to her arm and grinned at Holly. “You okay there, champ?” She asked as she walked over for one last kiss.

“I am just happy. Now go run so you can get back here. I’ll probably eat and shower so we have stamina.” The brunette gave a saucy wink as Gail trotted out and back down the stairs. She heard the door close and she took a deep breath. She was totally relaxed and calm. 

The doctor stood up and decided to explore before hitting the shower. She went to Gail’s closet and found some loose clothing she could wear around the house and then set out to see what this new place of Gail’s was like. Which was going to be her place, too.

Holly padded into the kitchen and smirked at the food which was still out from the previous evening. They hadn’t even thought about it as they’d literally flung themselves together. She very quickly cleaned up the mess and then continued her journey of Gail’s New Life.

She noticed that Gail was very tidy, her tastes were modern, but cozy and she just honestly felt already at home in this space. It was so very Gail that it relaxed Holly even more. After looking around a bit more, she made her way back upstairs and got ready for her shower. She’d worked up quite the sweat the previous evening and all she could was smile as she remembered it. Holly took her time in the shower and then wrapped herself up in Gail’s black robe. It smelled of Gail and Holly was grinning again when she heard the doorbell ring. She wondered if Gail forgot her key or something. She ran down in the robe and flung open the door without thinking, really thinking it was Gail. The woman before her was not Gail. It was the woman she’d met briefly the other night. 

Holly honestly felt the air leave her lungs, unsure what to do or say. She felt horrible that she’d answered the door this way – not really knowing how things had gone between she and Gail. Holly stopped dead just as the other woman dead, staring at each other, not knowing what to say or do. Did Holly invite her in? Did Gail want her here? Did she have the right to even decide?

Just as she was working up the nerves to utter words, Gail came jogging up the sidewalk slowly, eyeing the two women. Oh joy of joys. Kate was here and Holly had clearly just showered and was wearing a robe Kate knew pretty well from their sleepovers. Okay. How to play this…

“Well, I see you guys have met again.” Gail snarked without any real bite and slowly walked up as Kate turned to look at Gail. Green eyes were hurt but they weren’t angry. Gail really didn’t want to have to do this, she’d had such a great morning. However, she had to do this, this was her life now and she wasn’t going to be passive anymore.

Gail slowly walked up the stairs and stood beside Holly as Kate followed her curiously with her eyes. Yes, it did appear just as she’d suspected. Gail had very purposely walked by Kate to join Holly. She didn’t think Gail was being mean, she was just saying physically what she hadn’t verbalized. Maybe it was to soften the blow Kate knew was going to come.

“Kate, this is Holly Stewart. I know you bet the other night and I know you’ve heard all about her, but I wanted to officially introduce you two.” Gail finished softly, her eyes smiling from Holly to Kate. It wasn’t that she wanted to hurt Kate, she was just happy and she couldn’t help it.

Holly found her voice first and offered her hand to the beautiful woman in front of her. She’s glad she’s confident, because Gail’s ex-girlfriend was certainly not unattractive.

Kate swallowed the lump in her throat and found the manners her mother had drilled into and took Holly’s hand briefly for a firm shake. “It’s nice to meet you, Holly. I’m sorry to have surprised you this morning, I’m just here to pick up a few things.” She was proud that her voice did not break. She looked to Gail and saw blue eyes weren’t looking back, they were looking at the doctor. 

Gail finally turned to Kate and nodded. She knew she had to play this kindly. No matter how in love she might be, she cared for the woman in front of her. “No, that’s okay. I know we discussed it briefly. How about you come in and sit down while I got get showered and Holly changes. Help yourself to anything in the fridge.” Gail nodded lightly and opened her door, her hand landing on the small of Holly’s back as she guided her in and then waited for Kate to pass, very obviously not touching her in the same way. 

Kate felt her heart ache. While she knew this was probably for the best, it didn’t stop the pain. Gail was being kind, but not backing down from what made her happy. If she got any ounce of that backbone from her, Kate was proud, even if gutted. “Thanks, Gail. I’ll just.. be here.” She motioned to the living room. Holly and Gail both slowly made their way upstairs. Kate noticed they both went into Gail’s room and the door shut.

Kate struggled with herself for a moment as she felt her eyes water and she took a deep breath. She could do this. She would do this. And she’d do it as a friend to the woman upstairs. She was in the wrong here, even if it wasn’t malicious and she had to accept it. She also couldn’t help the small sprig of hope in her heart about Rachel if Gail had gotten her 2nd chance at happiness.

Kate walked to the kitchen and opened the fridge, as she’d done many times previously. She took out a fresh carton of OJ and walked to the counter to poor herself a large cup. She considered adding vodka to calm herself but figured being drunk again around Gail might not go as she might want it to. She sighed and took a drink, looking around a bit. The kitchen was spick and span, but her eyes landed on an overturned chair and a lamp in the floor and her mind filled in the rest. It felt like a bullet tore through her heart as she realized what likely happened the night before. She tried to breathe through the pain, but kept having issues finishing the inhale/exhale. 

Just as she was trying to get herself together, Gail came back down the stairs, sans Holly. She stopped at the edge of the kitchen and followed Kate’s eyes and she sighed. She knew she should have cleaned up this morning, but she honestly didn’t expect company.

“Kate, I’m sorry. I know this wasn’t what you were expecting.” Gail said earnestly, her hands out in supplication. “I didn’t know you were coming here, or I’d have made every effort to clean up and answer the door myself.” Gail admitted quietly.

Kate nodded and took a deep breath. Yes, she was hurt, but she was here to get her things and go and she wanted to do that calmly and preserving their friendship. She was lucky she got any chance at all, much less a 3rd chance if she were to have a crazy reaction right now. In her mind, she knew Gail had done nothing wrong, even if she had made her moving on a real priority from a speed perspective. She didn’t have a right to be angry, really. She knew from the beginning how much Gail loved Holly. It had never wavered, even though she could see Gail really trying to make a life with her. She always knew. So, maybe if it had been some random woman opening that door, she’d have a right to throw a fit right now, act injured. But when it’s very clearly the woman Gail loves, well, what are you going to do?

“I didn’t even think to call, so we’re both at fault. I won’t lie and say this didn’t hurt a little, but let’s just move on with it, yeah?” She asked softly. They couldn’t keep doing this dance. They had to move on now.

The blonde nodded and kept her eyes on Kate. “So, what do you need? Is there anything I can do to help?” Gail pulled at the hoodie she’d thrown on after her shower. She’d taken a little more time to calm a very guilty Holly down. As bad as she felt for how Kate might be feeling, and that was a lot of feeling bad, she couldn’t allow Holly even a moment of doubt about her choices. She’d kissed the doctor softly and asked for her to wait in bed for her. She smiled at her gently. “That was going to happen sooner or later, Hols. You didn’t do anything wrong. Just bad timing. I love YOU. I will be back up here soon to see about that cardio.”

Holly gave her a watery laugh and followed the blonde’s instructions. She crawled back into Gail’s bed. No. Their bed. The smile returned, but it wasn’t as bright as before. God, she loved Gail so much. She’d have done this over and over again and no amount of hurt on the woman downstairs face could change that. That just made it worse because she knew she’d do it over and over if it meant she got to have Gail. She sighed deeply. She released the feelings. She couldn’t even regret that she loved and wanted Gail that much. The brooding detective was worth it all. Worth everything.

She curled up and waited for Gail to return so they could cuddle and talk about this day. She hoped she and Gail were still on the same page, but the tug in her heart told her they were. She trusted Gail and she loved her. So she smiled and waited patiently.


End file.
